Friday, July 20, 2012

Welcome August ICLW!

Welcome ICLW peeps!

Sidenote: At first I typed "Welcome ICLW poops" and had a good chuckle.

My story, in brief: I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure in November 2011 and have been TTC for about 14 months. Prognosis: Not so good. We tried a few rounds of stims in the winter / spring (letrozole, menopur) and had no follicles at all. Currently taking daily hormone replacement therapy to manage symptoms (i.e. hot flashes, night sweats, brain fog, possible bone loss) and trying to figure out what to do next, while also trying to keep develop for the first time a healthy way of dealing with the grief of IF.

Was this the longest week ever or was that just me? I feel just like my cat Henry does in this picture: 

Is there anything cuter than this little guy?
I've been super irritable lately at work. The Physical Facilities lady who cleans my building came by yesterday to tell me she got a stain out of the wallpaper and it literally took twenty minutes. I tried to think how she must be lonely and not have many people to talk to or be mentally stimulated during her job, but all I could think was "Stop talking. Please stop.  Stop it now. Shut. the. *@#$. up." I mean, I could feel my blood pressure rising. This is only one instance of too many to type.

This can't continue, because come August 20, my job will include at least six hours a day of daily conversing with college students. Mostly listening, because they haven't learned appropriate turn-taking skills in conversation yet, which is fine because I am not likely to spill any personal details about my life to them. I can imagine, however, that being irritated for that many hours a day might take a toll on my enjoyment of a day's work.

I used to LOVE my job. But the past year of infertility has shifted something inside of me. I don't find joy in lots of things I used to. It doesn't help that I spent four months of this year in a total brain fog. I look back on December through March as "lost time." Truly, my head was not in the game of life. It went way beyond being a little forgetful and absent-minded. I remember telling my husband that I didn't feel like I was experiencing anything in the moment. It was like I was removed from the present. Okay, it's obviously hard to explain. But I was so worried this year about not screwing up basic tasks at work that I think I forgot how to be excited or passionate about it. And though the daily HRT has helped IMMENSELY with the brain fog since March, I haven't been able to recapture that spark I used to have with the job.

I'm a little encouraged because Hubs and I have a back up plan to move far far away next summer if we're still not knocked up. So in a year, I'll either be pregnant or at least looking to find a new job and new city. There's some promise there.

Enough about me. If you're just stopping by from ICWL, introduce yourself! How adorbs is my cat? Is anyone else feeling blah and irritable lately?

20 comments:

  1. Happy iclw! your kitty kat is adorable! sorry you're feeling so irritable lately. if does such crap things to us on top of the lack of babies!

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  2. I totally get your blah feeling :( I feel like there is nothing enjoyable in life anymore...I've distanced myself from pretty much everyone and everything that I used to love. I think I've ruined a lot of relationships because of it, and it's really starting to sink in and make me sad/depressed even more than I already was. It's a catch-22...it's like us infertiles want to distance ourselves from pregnant people and kids (family, friends, etc.) because it makes us sad, but then when we do that, it still makes us sad because we've destroyed all our friendships. Depression from infertility sucks!

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    1. Sorry you're going through such a sucky time too. It sounds like you are going through the same exact thing as me emotionally. It's been so hard to maintain my relationships with people who are pregnant or have kids without feeling like I'm being left behind, in addition to being a little jealous and on edge around them! Ugh.

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  3. Here from ILCW

    Also in the land of Blah here. I am a teacher on summer vacation with all the time I want to do fun things- and have not motivation to do a thing. It's been a long journey for us, and I just need to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You are not alone...

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    1. Sounds a lot like me! I have to FORCE myself to to do even the most basic things that used to bring me so much joy! Now I just want to sit on the couch and watch netflix, read on the deck, or go for a solo run (and it's too hot outside to do that).

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  4. Sorry the fogs are making work less than enjoyable for you. Hoping that you can have a restful weekend and start the next week with hope it will be better.
    Your cat is totally adorable. I miss my cat, he is growing old in my parents house across the ocean. He used to be super cute and attentive when I would Skype them, but since his hearing has gone he is just confused. Poor thing! My husband is laughing at me for sharing about my cat. I have a sense that you don't thin it's as silly as he does to love a fur ball.

    Happy ICLW
    Chrissie
    #68

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    1. Haha - you're right, I don't think it's silly at ALL to love a cat. I think Henry somehow "knows" that I'm going through a rough time. He's been so sweet and loving lately. I hope you get to see your little kitty soon!

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  5. Stopping in from ICLW. Cat is totally adorable. Bea's comment was completely right about the cycle of sucky infertility depression. At least it appears that the fog has lifted, which is a good thing. And seriously, I don't think anyone could talk to college students for 6 hours a day without being a bit on the snarky side, it's definitely not a job I could do. However, all that being said hopefully if you aren't finding the joy you once did in your work then next summer you will be able to remedy that (hopefully with an adorable baby to compliment the adorable cat :P )
    I really look forward to following your journey.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! I always feel a little guilty complaining about my job because really, it's so much more interesting and challenging than a LOT of other stuff out there, so I especially appreciate your affirmation! :)

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  6. Hello from ICLW! To answer your questions: your kitty is total adorableness and you are not alone in feeling blah and irritable. I deal with that on a fairly regular basis...just ask my poor hubby! I'm glad the fog has lifted, but so sorry that you're still feeling dispassionate when it comes to your job...IF has a way of sucking the life out of everything. Hoping it gets better soon!

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    1. Our poor husbands... I know this isn't what my guy expected when he married me but he has been one heckuva trooper putting up with me and my moods!

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  7. It definitely was a LONG week! I'm glad it's over and here's to making this one shorter! hah! =)
    And I totally get the blah and irritable thing. My first IVF was a bust ending in OHSS and being hospitalized for 5 days. IT BLEW! BUT I did get 6 beautiful embryos out of the deal and they're just waiting on me to heal for a FET. =D

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    1. Bummer about your first IVF! But I'm so glad you've got some good looking embryos to make it work next time.

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  8. I went back and caught upon the link to the post about moving. I may or may not be biased, but Denver is a pretty fabulous city and I would recommend it to almost anyone. Also, I can totally relate to feeling like you have been left behind. I've definitely been eclipsed by my peer group in regards to both family and career and it stings. I'm glad that nasty brain fog is lifting!

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    1. I LOVE Denver! I spent a summer there with an internship while in grad school and MANY weekends there when Hubs lived there for a year while I lived in Ohio. It is definitely on our list!

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  9. Hi from ICLW!your cat pic is too cute, how happy and comfy is he! I totally feel you on the feeling blah. I have my bouts with blah all the time. it's no easy feat is it, this infertility. it's a daily challenge for me. hope things look up for you :) i like your back up plan.... we've thought of and entertained a plan like that too.

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    1. Bummer you have the blahs too, but at least we're not alone!

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  10. Love your cat! He makes me want to rush right out and get one. But, alas, one of our two sweet pups likes to hunt cats (always unsuccessfully), but we're too afraid to find out what might happen if we introduced one to our household. Methinks it would not end well. Oh well. Someday.
    I'm so sorry you are feeling especially down lately. Wish there was something I could say or do...
    But all I got is hang in there, never give up hope, and find as much joy in your husband, car, and those crazy college kids as you possibly can!

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    1. While you may find joy in your car, what I meant was CAT. :)

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  11. That is a great pic of your cat. If I was not allergic, I would definitely have a furry friend to distract me.

    I took a great class on the Sociology of Death in University - and there was sociologist that wrote a paper about how grief is not step by step through the different stages. You can move back and forth from one to another like a wave. Also you may "skip" stages to come back to later or you may never experience some of the stages at all.

    Really just how grief has no rules.

    Also POF and HRT suck.

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