A: Well, since nobody in the family or any of our friends were doing anything, we decided last-minute to host a cookout at our house, with cornhole in the backyard and a kiddie pool on the deck.
Q: It was pretty hot out, no?
A: Pretty effin' hot. It was a scorcher.
Q: Did you hydrate yourself with an exorbitant amount of beer and margaritas?
A: Why yes, I did do that. I got quite tipsy, actually.
A: Okay, you got me. I was feeling no pain.
Q: And tell me, was your sister-in-law there? The one you're so worried about getting pregnant?
A: Erm... yes.
Q: Did you drunkenly behave passive aggressively around her, maybe commenting a little biznatchy-like about her only drinking water or juice?
A: ....maybe a couple of times....
Q: And after she and your brother left the party, did you spend the next hour having a complete sob-fest with your mom and two single friends?
A: That may have happened.
Q: Tell me, Jen. How terrible did you feel the next day when your brother called to tell you how you had hurt his wife's feelings?
A: I have to say, it was not good. Not good one bit. I felt pretty embarrassed. And sorry. And ashamed of myself for losing control and being a biznatch.
So. That happened.
I really felt AWFUL for how I treated my SIL and also EXTREMELY EMBARRASSED. Ugh. I hate that feeling after a long night of drinking when you wake up and you're like, "Oh shit. What did I do?" It's a sinking feeling of dread and there is no cure for it, except to apologize and beg for forgiveness.
So I e-mailed my SIL and apologized profusely and begged for forgiveness. I told her that infertility sucks, but I should never have been rude and taken out my frustrations on her. I also explained that I have perhaps been distancing myself from her and my brother for the past few months, kind of bracing myself for when the news comes. I tried to explain that I WILL BE HAPPY FOR THEM. (And I really will). But that it will also suck and be really hard for me.
She wrote back a very gracious e-mail accepting my apology and saying that she has wanted to be there for me for the past few months and just hasn't known how. She has started several long e-mails trying to comfort me but never got up the nerve.
A few e-mails back and forth between the two of us later, and I think we're in a much better place than we were before the drunken debauchery of last week. It feels like there will be a little bit less of an elephant in the room around her and my brother from here out.
And my brother informed me that they're not pregnant. They're not even trying right now, although they will at some point. And he said he'd give me a heads up so I can prepare myself.
IF is shitty, but I'm lucky to have people around who will forgive me when I'm a total asshat and who will do what they can to support me.