Premature Ovarian Failure doesn't leave much in the way of "options," making it difficult to blog regularly about a "journey."
So here's what I'm doing: Waiting. Waiting some more. Having cross-your-fingers-that-was-the-good-kind-of-cervical-mucus-even-though-it's-day-39-of-my-cycle sex. Cry over BFN. Occasionally get a period. Wait some more. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
I'm staring into a long, dusty, abandoned road to nowhere. There is no scenery. No side trips. No end in sight. I can't floor the gas pedal and go any faster. I can't even blow my savings getting my car souped up. I could change the destination, but I don't want to go anywhere else. Not yet anyway.
I feel very much in limbo right now. There are no last resort IUIs or IVFs (or first resort IUIs or IVFs) on the horizon. No ovary stimulating fertility meds. No fresh or frozen embryos to work with. There MIGHT be a few lonely eggs decaying and rolling around my barren desert of an ovary. Therein lies the sliver of hope and also the cruelty of POF. It's the reason we're not ready to detour to adoption or donor eggs. It's the reason we might NEVER be ready for adoption or donor eggs. When do we give up on my ovaries? What if there's one lonely fighter, just biding its time, waiting for the right moment?
Research indicates that gals with POF have a 5-10% chance of conceiving naturally. With no intervention. However, they have no clue what distinguishes the ladies who conceive from the ladies who never conceive, which is more than a little inconvenient. But they're working on it (see reference here).
So we wait. We wait for our soldier egg. And we keep waiting.
(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI felt like that for a long time with DH's sperm count and at nearly 3 years into this sometimes I still do. I know we aren't in the same situation but I feel you. Waiting sucks. Hoping for that miracle sucks, but we keep doing it because you just never know. Here's hoping for that miracle!
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping for you, too! And here's to running keeping us sane :)
DeleteAs one 'rare' IFer to another I totally know how you feel, and am sorry you are feeling it at the moment. For us, while they are different paths, there is only one single road, one single 'option' for a bio baby and then a whole loada hope. Any joy with the NIH study? Thinking of you x
ReplyDeleteNIH study is on hold until September. I guess they're doing some protocol adjustments and will hopefully call then. I'm crossing my fingers that your appeal comes back with approval to move forward with a surrogate!
DeleteAnd we're here waiting with you. As a planner and someone who always wants to fix things, I can imagine that waiting and waiting must be so very difficult. I am thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sass. It certainly helps to know there are people out there rooting for me :)
DeleteIt makes me want to scream and shake a scientist somewhere when I think about the realities of POF and other ovarian reserve diagnoses! It's just not fair that there are not more options available. I know how painful the waiting is. And I totally get your reluctance to give up on your own eggs and take a different route.
ReplyDeleteI was diagnosed with DOR (I guess a step before POF) but between that and my age, I was also slapped with the 5% chance bomb. And I had basically given up on my eggs.
I guess I'm just saying that I feel you and I will be here waiting with you. It does suck, but don't give up hope!
Haha, I actually laughed out loud when I read "shake a scientist somewhere"! I am with you on that - why haven't they come up with ANYTHING ELSE? I read in a book on infertility that they were exploring options of taking a donor egg and injecting the IF woman's cytoplasm into the egg so that it contains some of her DNA. That sounds promising, but I haven't heard a lick about it since then. I CAN bet that if it ever does come out, it'll cost two arms and a leg.
DeleteThe fact that you got knocked up with DOR gives me hope!
This post seriously hits home with me...we are just in the wait and see mode too. It's like, when do we give up on hubby's sperm? There's always that one that could make it to my egg and break through. My heart aches for you, and I am seriously hoping for that surprise baby for you and your hubby very soon. Have you heard anything about that study you were going to do in Boston?
ReplyDeleteI would imagine you are in just about the same place as me with your guys' situation. Waiting sucks! The NIH study is on hold - they're reconfiguring protocol or something and plan to resume taking new patients in September.
DeleteI think using donor eggs from my sister made it possible for me to give up on the idea of a bio baby. I don't think I could have otherwise. Part of me feels guilty or like I'm quitting by taking this road because I did get 2 embryos off my IVF cycle. Its such a tough and personal decision and I hope things go your way. I'm pulling for you.
ReplyDeleteI am so envious that your sister offered to donate! Two embryos off IVF is impressive, but you also have to weigh the fact that your sister is already 27 (if I remember correctly) and you certainly can't wait forever if you have a known donor. It sucks that we even have to make these decisions, but it sure helps having a plethora of folks in the blog world who have gone through similar situations! I wonder if I'll ever meet another POF person IRL...
DeleteWe're in the SAME boat!!! I've likened it to watching grass grow. But we do soldier on... because we're just not ready for the adoption/donor egg talk, either. POF bites majorly.
ReplyDelete