In the past week, five people have told me I "look
tired." I think that's just a nice way of saying "you look like
shit!" Hmph.
Last night Hubs
and I had a chat about where things are and where they’re going, in
regards to our infertility “journey”. You might reason that this would be a
normal topic of conversation, as I think about it probably a hundred times a
day and “being infertile” is always a lurking presence in the back of my mind.
However, we very rarely TALK about it, except occasional references to the
doctor or annoyances at seeing a ton of baby bumps, etc. So this was a nice little “check-up” to see
how we’re both doing.
We started by talking about how I’ve been depressed. I told him I’m
worried that this depression isn’t just a phase and that being infertile is
actually re-wiring my brain to be different. I know I’ll never be who I was
before, but what if I don’t ever get back to being a happy person? He said that
was his biggest fear through this whole thing. He’s way more concerned about me
and how IF has affected me than he is about having a baby. He’s accepted that
this is the hand we’ve been dealt and we just have to play it. But what if we don’t ever get there? What if
we never a baby? “That’s a possibility” he said. “But we can still be
happy. I don’t define myself in my ability to be a father. I still have a role
and a purpose to be a good husband and brother and son and employee.”
It reminded me of something my therapist said Monday during our
session. I just finished telling her how pissed I was that I did everything right
in life. I never broke a rule, never got in trouble, got straight A’s through
most of high school and college, put my education first, was always careful in
everything I did. And look at me now. It didn’t work. That’s where my therapist
stopped me. “Whoa, whoa whoa. What do you mean it didn’t work? You have a happy
marriage, a wonderful family and a stable job.” Oh, right. You mean there’s
more to life than having a baby? What?!?
Clearly, my husband has already figured this out.
So when Hubs talked about other ways he defines himself, I sat on
it for a minute. Do I also feel that way? Can I garner some purpose from my
roles as a wife, daughter, sister and employee? The verdict is still out on
that one.
I do know I’m very lucky to have a husband who loves me despite
being both physically and emotionally broken right now. He even sent me a
beautiful bouquet of flowers yesterday at work – completely out of the blue. No
reason at all. The card said:
Jen,
Here are some flowers to celebrate our 1,025 days of marriage. It
only feels like 1,023. I hope you have a wonderful day molding the minds of
America’s youth. You’re my hero.
Love, Hubs
Seriously, how great is he?!? If I have to go through infertility
and a childless life, I’m grateful to have my guy by my side.
Your husband is a smart guy...and so sweet too! But I know even that doesn't take the sting out of infertility. Wishing you the very, very best!
ReplyDeleteI think I'll keep him. :) Thanks for the well wishes!
DeleteAwww. Your husband is a very sweet man. Very wise, too.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to how you're feeling about not being a mother. I'm letting that one failure define me and blind me to all the other things that I am. Definitely something to work on.
Thanks Jenny! This battle seems to wear on everything, doesn't it? I wish we could put IF into a neat little box and store it away from every other aspect of life. But somehow it finds a way to creep into everything!
DeleteOh that note made me tear up. You are very lucky to have him in your world. It is hard to see past ones infertility, but it can be done. I can hear a slow change in tone in your posts - you are healing and I'm so proud.
ReplyDeleteThanks Belle. It's a slow change for sure, but I'm starting to pick myself up. I'm sure there will be downward slides, but I realized today that's almost been TWO WEEKS since I've shed real tears about IF. There have been a few watery eye occasions, but I haven't lost it lately. And that's a marked improvement for my day-to-day!
DeleteThe fact that your talk ended in something other than you having a complete meltdown which rendered you a sobbing, mucusy mess completely incapable of speech is huge. It does mean you are healing (and that you have a super fab husband and are great at communicating together about difficult things).
ReplyDeleteI think that finding ways to garner more purpose in your roles as wife, sister, etc is a good idea, but it can be done (imo) simultaneously as you continue to fight to achieve motherhood. It's about not putting that ever-elusive status up on a pedestal and saying if I don't reach it, then my life will have no purpose. Putting all of our eggs in one basket is never a good idea, in general, I believe. Am I guilty of it? Absolutely. It's easier said than done. Even after achieving pregnancy, I am still eager to even the score a bit when it comes to the other hats I wear.
I'm very proud of you for recognizing the importance of doing that soul searching right now... for your own mental health, and for that of your marriage. And you are certainly lucky to have such a great guy by your side through all of it. :)
Thanks for the vote of confidence in my (relatively newfound) ability to not devolve into a mucusy mess when the topic comes up. It does feel like I've made a small step in the right direction!
DeleteYou're right on the money about being able to achieve some purpose through roles outside the "Mom" realm while not giving up on that fight at the same time. I've been totally guilty of putting all of my eggs (figurative eggs, seeing as how my real ones don't exist/suck) in one basket. My mind has been about as one-track as it's ever been in this baby-making business. BUT... I'm working on it. :)
Holy shit that's awesome.
ReplyDeleteWe just had an actual anniversary and while I did get a fantastic meal out of it, as far as gifts go I got a card that had been purchased and abandoned in a shopping bag that I found days later. When I told my husband I found it and that he had to fill the damn thing out he said "I have to think of something funny to write. Maybe you can think of something funny me to write". So lucky I love him, that one.
I'm totally on board with trying to figure out what happiness looks like when you don't have a kid.. I've lucked out in SO many ways - so many! - but this one way is so shittastic for me and effortless for seemingly everyone else it's hard to grasp how life is livable without it.
I once met an older couple at a party who said, when we weren't even talking about fertility or anything - "eh, we tried having kids, it didn't work so we never pushed it". I have literally spent hours in bed at night being in AWE of that attitude.
Haha, well at least your husband remembered to buy a card? Hey, it's the thought that counts. That is awesome.
DeleteIt's easy to feel ungrateful for all the good stuff in life when this one thing seems to take over everything else. I can't believe that couple! Maybe someday we'll get there... I wonder if it was a process or if they were just kind of ambivalent on the idea from the start.
I think there can be happiness in being child free. My husband and I plan on leaving our soft and cozy life and doing something completely reckless (not sure what yet) but if we can't embark on the greatest adventure of life we are going to try and come up with something close.
ReplyDeleteWe have totally been feeling the same call to be reckless! Hubs and I are going skydiving this summer (!!!!), thinking about moving across the country just to try somewhere new, and I'm headed to Mexico with girlfriends in September! I have a feeling these are just a few of the many things I'll end up doing because of IF that I wouldn't have done otherwise.
DeleteWhat a sweet note! You've got a keeper for sure! :)
ReplyDeleteFinding a purpose other than motherhood is struggle for me. And it's so hard because up until this struggle (i.e. all the rest of my life) I wasn't one to think motherhood was my purpose in life. But now, I struggle because I can't find something else. Why isn't everything else I am meaningful? Of course it is, but I'm having trouble finding it. It's nice to see I'm not the only one struggling with this.
ICLW #27
I love his card. It's perfect, really.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, there is more to life than conceiving, but when you're going through treatments, and loading yourself with hormones, and tracking your cycles, and IF is so directly affecting *your* life, it's hard to keep that in perspective sometimes. I'm glad you have a wonderful husband to remind you of the other important things, but don't be too hard on yourself.