In the past week, five people have told me I "look tired." I think that's just a nice way of saying "you look like shit!" Hmph.
Last night Hubs and I had a chat about where things are and where they’re going, in regards to our infertility “journey”. You might reason that this would be a normal topic of conversation, as I think about it probably a hundred times a day and “being infertile” is always a lurking presence in the back of my mind. However, we very rarely TALK about it, except occasional references to the doctor or annoyances at seeing a ton of baby bumps, etc. So this was a nice little “check-up” to see how we’re both doing.
We started by talking about how I’ve been depressed. I told him I’m worried that this depression isn’t just a phase and that being infertile is actually re-wiring my brain to be different. I know I’ll never be who I was before, but what if I don’t ever get back to being a happy person? He said that was his biggest fear through this whole thing. He’s way more concerned about me and how IF has affected me than he is about having a baby. He’s accepted that this is the hand we’ve been dealt and we just have to play it. But what if we don’t ever get there? What if we never a baby? “That’s a possibility” he said. “But we can still be happy. I don’t define myself in my ability to be a father. I still have a role and a purpose to be a good husband and brother and son and employee.”
It reminded me of something my therapist said Monday during our session. I just finished telling her how pissed I was that I did everything right in life. I never broke a rule, never got in trouble, got straight A’s through most of high school and college, put my education first, was always careful in everything I did. And look at me now. It didn’t work. That’s where my therapist stopped me. “Whoa, whoa whoa. What do you mean it didn’t work? You have a happy marriage, a wonderful family and a stable job.” Oh, right. You mean there’s more to life than having a baby? What?!? Clearly, my husband has already figured this out.
So when Hubs talked about other ways he defines himself, I sat on it for a minute. Do I also feel that way? Can I garner some purpose from my roles as a wife, daughter, sister and employee? The verdict is still out on that one.
I do know I’m very lucky to have a husband who loves me despite being both physically and emotionally broken right now. He even sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers yesterday at work – completely out of the blue. No reason at all. The card said:
Here are some flowers to celebrate our 1,025 days of marriage. It only feels like 1,023. I hope you have a wonderful day molding the minds of America’s youth. You’re my hero.
Seriously, how great is he?!? If I have to go through infertility and a childless life, I’m grateful to have my guy by my side.