My weekend was exhausting. After a massive event at work on Friday that required me to be "on" for 10 hours straight, I spent the evening at a baseball game with my sis and BIL (which is okay... but am I alone in thinking nine innings for a ball game is just insanely too long?). Pretended to enjoy it. Got home at midnight; faceplanted into bed. Saturday we went to Indy for my niece's third birthday party. There were a dozen babies/small children there and at least three gals pregnant. Pretended to enjoy it (okay, some parts were okay). Faceplanted into bed. Sunday we spent time with family in Indy then drove back for yet another baseball game (I am past my limit for the summer), this time with some old friends from college. Pretended to enjoy it. Got home late. Faceplanted into bed.
I was telling my therapist about my weekend today and she wondered why I went to so many ball games if I don't enjoy them.*
Here is something about me: I am a people-pleaser. To the MAX. I realized about a year ago that I sometimes care so much (too much) about other people's opinions that I can't even identify my own opinions. This drives my husband crazy. "Do you want to go to that concert next weekend?" Um, what do you want to do? "Where do you feel like going to eat?" I dunno, what are you hungry for? "Should we buy these window blinds?" What do you think? And look, that's not just me saying those things for my health - I really don't have an identifiable opinion and will always defer to the other person if it seems like s/he does.
I've been working on this over the past year or so. But it doesn't change the fact that I consistently and continuously put others' needs in front of my own. Only in my case, we can replace "needs" with "slightest preference." So when this weekend came up and we had two ballgames and a three-year old birthday party on the docket, I was internally dreading each part of it. But I said "yeah, sure!" and went right along with it. I made it my mission to just get through the weekend. Which sucks, by the way, because it's not like Monday morning at work is anything to look forward to.
So I explained this, in so many words, to my therapist today. I added that I'm dreading next weekend too, because there is another baseball game planned. And, with some urging from my therapist, I am going to turn down the game. Look, I have nothing against baseball. It's all good and fine. But I don't want to go and have to pretend to enjoy myself for three hours. So... get this... I'm NOT GOING TO GO <<gasp>>!!
That's what I'm working on these days. I'm going to give myself permission to do what I want to do. In moderation. My depression would have me watching Breaking Bad on Netflix all day everyday, but I'm not going to hole myself up and become a hermit. However, I can say no if I'm really just not up to it.
It's kind of third-grader-esque that I have to work on this. But it really doesn't come naturally and I am learning how to do it. What about you guys? Learning anything new from therapy lately? Feel like you missed the boat in learning the basics to being a well-adjusted human being? Is anyone else a people pleaser to a fault?
*PS. I don't hate baseball. The games are just really long and it's really hot outside and I was tired.
I'm right there with you - that is a LOT of baseball games :) I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. And no, this is hardly an elementary thing to learn. In fact, I think pleasing others becomes more pressing as we get older and people grow to expect more from us. As a kid we could get away with saying "no" to activities and people would laugh it off saying, "Oh kids! They just don't know any better." Now we are adults and while we know what is best for us, we also know the value of keeping face so we over extend ourselves and neglect our needs. It is hard to put yourself first but is so, so important. I am glad you stood up for yourself and very much hope you enjoy the reclaimed three hours next weekend!
ReplyDeleteI love the way you explained this! I think you're exactly right - keeping face is HUGE and it seems so much more important as an adult than ever before. I plan on definitely finding some "me" time this weekend!
DeleteI can be like that sometimes too, and if I'm in the mood for it I'll usually go even if I don't want to. But sometimes I just don't have it in me and have to decline. Sometimes we need to do that.
ReplyDeleteI think that's what I need to work on - when I just don't have it in me, I should decline!
DeleteI am very much a people pleaser, so I get where you're coming from. My mouth has a lot of trouble forming the word "no." As a result, I tend to be passive aggressive when I'm asked to do things I don't want to do and I just hope that the other person will pick up on the fact that I don't want to do it. (This drives my husband crazy!) So...yeah, I'm not terribly well-adjusted. :)
ReplyDeleteHaha, I do the passive aggressive thing as well, although I try reeeeally hard not to! I'll be poorly-adjusted with you and we can muddle through together! :)
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ReplyDeleteGood for you! (Also, I totally do this too, but you have to take care of yourself first sometimes.) [Just fixing a spelling error :)]
ReplyDeleteHmmm... I say no to things fairly easily. somehow though when it's tinier decisions (like, say, do I want noodles or fried rice from the chinese place) I choke like the fate of the world is in my hands.
ReplyDeleteTake care o'you. I used to say yes to all the kids things, then almost had a nervous breakdown in the middle of a christmas recital (read: crammed in the dead center of people holding babies in a theatre, staring at their other babies on stage dressed as candy canes) and now I'm okay with being the bitchy lady who says no. ;)