My therapist has been talking a lot lately about how going through infertility is a grieving process. I get that, and I've read about it on lots of other IF blogs. It's weird to be grieving something I never had, but here I am, definitely grieving, definitely cycling through those stages of grief again and again.
Of the five stages, I vacillate frequently between Denial, Anger and Depression, with an occasional stop at the Bargaining Station. Acceptance seems like a distant glimmer. Haven't been there yet, not even for a minute. My favorite is Denial, where there still lives some hope and I can blissfully forget that my ovaries suck. Bargaining hosts some hope too, but I find myself easing out of that stage more quickly than the others. I make regular stops at Anger and Depression. But really, who with IF doesn't?
The elusive "Acceptance" Stage seems way out of reach. And here's where I think the grieving process must be different than grieving a death. Death is final. You know when someone dies, that's it. Close the book. Roll the credits. It is OVER. With infertility, however, it's so open-ended. How can I ever finish grieving the possibility of my own biological child if that possibility isn't completely 100% dead? My chances of getting pregnant are small, but they're not zero. I can "accept" that my journey is shit and it's not easy, but when do I "accept" the rest of it? Will I EVER accept it?
I don't think I'll ever get to acceptance as long as I equate acceptance with "giving up" (on my ovaries). To me, they are one and the same. I'm not ready to move on to Donor Eggs until I accept that I won't have children with my own eggs. What's the line? How do you come to that decision? I'd love to hear from ladies out there who have decided on donor eggs - when did you know you were ready? And also, ladies who waited it out and got their BFP or who continue to wait... how long did you / will you wait?