Last post I talked about the first half of Father's Day. And all of the faith-questioning implications involved in it. The second half of the day led to more self-digging and another realization.
Back to Father's Day...
After buying a completely unnecessary and unplanned new set of living room furniture, Hubs and I went to my parents' house to celebrate Father's Day with my Dad. I was really dreading seeing my brother and his wife (SIL). I am scared shitless that they are trying to get pregnant or that they are pregnant. They are a couple years younger at 27 and have been married about three months longer than Hubs and I (I will always be annoyed that he beat me to the altar. I have no right to be annoyed. But I am.). They also just bought a house, so really it's just a matter of time before a big announcement is made.
Knowing this, I have been avoiding them for the past few months. Very mature, I know. But Sunday was the second time I'd seen them in about 8 weeks, and they live only about a half hour away. Both times, I watched my SIL like a stalker, looking obsessively for any signs that she might be pregnant. I found myself being consumed with my thoughts racing... every time she or my brother spoke, my heart beat a little faster, worried that it would be a big announcement. The whole evening was very uncomfortable.
I realize I sound like a crazy person. This cannot be normal. I have now had THREE nightmares about them being pregnant. My reaction is always akin to an announcement of someone dying - I either burst into tears or run out the door, or scream in front of everyone "NOOOOOO!" I'm avoiding my brother and sis-in-law, thinking about them being pregnant far too often for comfort.
No announcement was made. But as soon as Hubs and I got into the car, I was ready to dish about what I observed - she didn't drink a drop of alcohol, but she's not a huge drinker to begin with. No intimate, telling facial expressions between her and my brother, but they might be good at hiding. She doesn't look pregnant... but nobody does if it's early...
Hubs seemed a little unnerved at my rambling. He asked why I am more concerned about my brother and SIL than anyone else getting pregnant.
And I had to think about it.
There are several reasons, I think. One, all the normal reasons it's shitty to be around pregnant people. It's a reminder of what I can't have. It's a slap in the face to be around it. Two, I know they are probably in a position to be trying. The timing is there. Whereas my sister and her husband are still newlyweds and have basically told me they're going to wait at least another year before TTC. Three, I've always pictured MY babies being the first grandchildren of my family. I'm the oldest. My brother has been a screw up for much of his life (though he's sorted it out and is fine now) while I've done everything right. Four, I've always been super competitive with my brother. And he with me. Five, a pregnant sister-in-law means I'm going to be around for every step of the way. I'll hear about it all the time. My whole family will be consumed with nursery plans, baby showers, name guessing, getting updates... It's going to change my family forever. And we all live within a half hour of each other (and after my brother and sis in law move into their new house, we'll all be within 20 minutes!) and we see each other all the time. I will hear about it all. the. time.
So here I am, continuing to obsess over something that hasn't even happened yet instead of enjoying the way things are now. I used to rationalize these emotions by thinking that maybe I'm just preparing myself for the blow when it does come. I'm getting all of those wildly inappropriate reactions to the news out of my system in my dreams instead of real life. But I'm not so sure that it's helping all that much. I'm really just feeling crappy about it.
The good news that came out of this weekend was that it helped me realize that I'm really pretty effed up on my handling of this situation. On top of what is probably straight-up depression, I am allowing my relationships to be affected. I know none of these things are great for trying to coax my body into producing some quality eggs and getting knocked up. So I finally, FINALLY called a counselor and I'm working out a schedule with her to hopefully go every other week and try to sort out the mess in my head and heart. And as hard as it was to make the call and awkwardly explain my situation, I am really looking forward to being able to unload on someone and to start feeling better. Here's hoping it works!!