I'm struggling today.
I'm not sure if it's just that it's Father's Day or that we hung out with my friend who has a five month old last night, but I'm in a world of hurt today.
Last night was fine - it really was. A few girlfriends from work were there, and we had snacks and cocktails and sat by the fire until 2 am. The hard part was when the baby was up. I held him and cooed at him and pretended to bite his toes. He really is a cute little baby.
When we were driving home, Hubs said he thought it was kind of tough to be around them (my friend, her husband and the baby), especially when my friend's husband was talking about how excited he was for his first Father's Day. I didn't think Hubs was really thinking about Father's Day too much, so I was a little surprised to hear that it was affecting him. I was already feeling pretty melancholy about the night too. They're a little family. Their life seems so much more filled with the little one. They seem so happy, so proud, so ... well, everything you should be when you have a five month old. And we drove home to our cat in our dark, empty house.
Today I woke up feeling very shaken. Frustrated. Bitter. Jealous. Angry. I started to really mope around and decided rather than make Hubs feel bad and have to console me, I'd go for a run. And it was another very tearful run. I had basically no control over myself, and when I came back I sat on the back deck, sobbing quietly, looking at the sky.
I'm not a very religious person, but I think infertility almost forces you to think about God more than you normally would. And sitting there on the back deck, I felt like screaming, cursing, and throwing stuff at God, at the Universe, at myself. Why????? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??? Why THIS? Why ME? What did I do??? Why do I deserve this??? Why aren't you helping???? If this is some "plan," then CALL IT OFF. I can't handle it. I'm losing my grip on what's good about life. I'm losing myself.
Have you ever felt that frustration rising in your chest and throat? It's like if you don't scream at the top of your lungs, you will collapse in on yourself? Today on the deck, I felt that. I'm SO. EFFING. ANGRY. And on top of a million other emotions going on through this infertility "journey" (doesn't the word "journey" imply that you're going somewhere??), today I realized I felt betrayed. Betrayed by God. Because even if being fertile is a "gift" and I don't "deserve" it, I am not equipped to handle this kind of devastation.
I was just about 18 years old when my aunt and uncle were going through infertility. I remember thinking, even then, that that might be the actual worst thing that could happen to me - to never have babies. I have fantasized about being a mother for as long as I can remember - I am MEANT to be a Mom.
And then Premature Ovarian Failure happened. And it feels like God said "EFF YOU, JEN. You're on your own. Have fun with that."
I'm sure this is all blasphemous or something, but I'm taking the stance of Infertile First Mom. If God already knows what's going on in my head, why hide it?
After about a half hour, I picked myself up and went in to shower. Hubs was none the wiser. I went with him after that to return a saw to a local hardware store and we ended up buying a new couch, loveseat and chair for $1,000. We were not in the market for said furniture, so it may or may not be considered an impulse buy. But it made me feel better for a few hours and these couches are pretty awesome.
I'll write more about the rest of my day in the next couple of days. It's too much to delve into now.