Well last night was just awful. I have definitely tipped the crazy scale with my wacked-out hormones and I had several massive breakdowns last night, complete with hyperventilating and ugly cries. There's no logic to it and I can recognize the futility of these depressed and angry emotions. But I feel trapped in them, hopefully due to the hormones and not just reality. Last night they CONSUMED ME.
I felt on edge all day yesterday, after getting blood test results from Monday (Estrogen at 16. I guess that's pretty low and crappy). The doctor told me he wants to up my dose of Menopur and the amount of time I spend on it. Menopur is REALLY expensive and just the increased dosage for this cycle would be another $1,000. After we already dropped $1,500. Which would be okay if there was any indication at all that it was working or might work. I mean, Monday was day 8 of my cycle. Not a single, solitary trace of even the tiniest follicle. I'd been on the Menopur for 6 days at that point.
The Menopur is screaming at my ovaries to work. But the ovaries must be deaf. Screaming louder and harder is still going to fall on deaf ears. I explained this (in so many words) and the doctor said, "well, you've only been on the Menopur for a three or four days, you've got to give it a chance to work." "Um, nope. Today will be the 7th day." He was confused about when I started since he was out of town at my appointment on Friday. CAN'T THESE DOCTORS KEEP ANYTHING STRAIGHT??? YOU WANT ME TO SPEND ANOTHER THOUSAND BUCKS AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN ON THIS MEDICINE?
Anyway, that's the back-story that led to last night. I just felt all edgy and hormonal. I came home from work and finished reading "Fifty Shades of Grey" (don't even get me started on that. Terrible writing. Just awful. But. Still hard to put down.) and sat on our deck for a little bit just staring at the yard. I should know better by now. My unoccupied mind is a dangerous place to be when I am on the crazy hormone train. Must. keep. brain. busy. There is only one place my brain wants to go when it isn't busy and it's to re-live every terrible IF related moment and imagine a life I'm not going to have.
After snapping at the Hubs for no reason, I decided to go for a 5 mile run. The tension in my body was screaming to get out. About 3/4 of a mile in, I was FURIOUS. Rage was boiling inside of me. I was angry at every person who's had any role, however minute or indirect, in leading me to this day. I was mad at my parents for raising me to put a career before babies. Mad at my mom for getting me on birth control pills at 17. Mad at my brother for accidentally knocking up his exchange-student prom date (she lives in South America with his daughter he's never met), giving me a solid fear of unprotected sex. Mad at Hubs for waiting so long to propose when maybe we could have been trying earlier, before my ovaries dried up. Mad at every doctor who might have been able to catch this before my 28th year and didn't. Mad at every friend or relative who's ever gotten pregnant easily, for making me think that getting pregnant would be easy. And the deepest, most hateful anger was saved for myself.
Every step I took pounded harder into the pavement. I kept running faster and faster and finally just started bawling. Bawling + running fast = hyperventilation and stomach cramp. I slowed it down. I changed my ipod shuffle to something more uplifting. I promised myself that I would allow this anger, but only in the last mile of my run. Get through four miles first.
I was feeling a lot better by mile four. But as I rounded the last quarter mile down the street back to my house, I felt panicked again. This time, anger was out the door and I was consumed with sorrow. I sat on the back deck again, heart pounding fast through my whole body, eyes closed. Tears streaming. An instrumental song played on my shuffle, and it was almost like watching a movie in my mind. I saw two pink lines on a test. I saw Hub's face when I show him the test. I saw us making the big announcement to our families. Painting a nursery together. Laying in bed with a bump on my belly. Hubs staying up late to talk to the bump. A baby shower for me. Driving to the hospital. Doctor handing me my baby for the first time. Being over-the-moon in love.
Will this ever happen for me?
I didn't stop crying for 45 minutes. Hubs made dinner and I just cried and cried and cried. He hugged. He tried distracting me. He tried looking on the bright side.
I finally wore myself out and laid on the couch, watching "The Wonder Years" on Netflix while playing "Draw Something" on my ipad. I think that has to be my strategy for the next few days until I'm off the Menopur and back on the estrogen. No more time alone with my thoughts.
I'm sorry for being such a downer lately. Especially when just over a week ago I was on Cloud Nine for having an ovulatory cycle! How quickly things change in the IF world. Thanks for your support.