Friday, May 11, 2012

I am 13 again.

I shouldn't post right now because I have nothing good to say. I'm irritable, moody, and depressed. I've been irrationally annoyed by everyone who crossed my path today, starting with the receptionist at my doctor's office who was a little too chipper for 8 in the morning at an RE office to every single person I saw at work. When I didn't feel like punching someone (anyone) squarely in the face, I've been on the verge of a total emotional breakdown.

It feels like I'm 13 again and going through puberty. The world is against me. Nobody understands. My life is hard. Everybody sucks. And so does everything.

I can assume with relative certainty that these feelings are hormonal. Nothing about my life is any worse today than it has been over the past 6 months (in fact, I *should* be feeling more hope now that I'm actually on some stims), but I am a mess! I couldn't find anything in the side effects of menopur having anything to do with irritability or emotional instability, so I think my craziness probably stems from my temporary hiatus from the daily estrogen pills.

I went to the doctor today and since my regular doctor was out of town, I had to see Dr. Otherguy. Which was, of course, irritating. I kept thinking - this guy doesn't know jack squat about my case. These nurses are weird. This guys' ultrasounds don't feel the same. Ugh. I thought they might be able to tell if the medicine is working (and thereby, if I will be doing an IUI in a week and a half or running a marathon in a week and a half) but it's too early to tell. So Dr. Otherguy said "I wanna see you back on Monday to see if we have progress then." So I went to make an appointment with my REGULAR RE doctor and they said "oh no, you should see Dr. Otherguy because he does all the 'cycling patients'."

Um... no. Nobody ever said anything about switching doctors. I don't even know what a "cycling patient" means and the ONLY reason I wasn't seeing Regular Doctor today is because he was out of town! My confusion was evident and then the chipper receptionist said she'll just make a note for regular doctor to tell him I "requested him special". Um, not really. I just want to see MY DOCTOR who knows MY CASE. There's nothing special about it.

So clearly, that was annoying. But I am seeing my regular doctor on Monday. If he tells me I should start seeing Dr. Otherguy, fine. I will see Dr. Otherguy. But I don't trust that these people know what the eff is going on with my case, as I'm not exactly normal.

Tonight, Hubs and I were invited to do go out with some friends to a new lager house down town and to see some friends of friends who are in town for the weekend. We usually have a pretty solid "If we're invited, we will go" policy (we're both pretty social people), but I am just feeling too rotten to put on a happy face for the night. Hubs is supportive, as usual. In fact, he's been the only respite from this terrible day. He knows just how to calm me down and help me see the light. Tonight I was crying in his arms and he told me how brave he thinks I am, for putting up with all the needles and discomfort and appointments. He said he doesn't think he could do it, especially the shots and the endless blood work.

He also said that he was talking to his (fertile) sister on the phone yesterday about how we're doing and what's going on with this cycle and the meds. And he told her the worst case scenario is that we get pregnant and have a miscarriage (which is so beyond the scope of my coping ability right now, I can't think about it too long without losing my mind). And his sister told him that she knows it won't happen. She already prayed to God that if anyone in the family were to have a miscarriage, that it be her. It's so morbid and terrible to think about, and obviously no one wants to have a miscarriage. But it's also touching. Maybe you have to know her to understand really. I clearly hope and pray that no miscarriages go around at all.

Anyway. I'm in for the night. Hubs and I are going to watch a movie. I'm doing my last, probably futile, long training run tomorrow morning, so it'll probably be an early-ish night. Sorry for the negative post. But I know you guys will understand. You've been there, too, right?


  1. Oh my goodness! It's so nice to read a post that articulates EXACTLY how I feel today. I am in such a foul mood. I'm sorry things are sucky right now. Hope things start turning around VERY soon! ((((hugs))))

  2. Oh Yes, I have been there. Cheers for a better tomorrow :)

  3. Oh sweetie, you are absolutely allowed to have a 13-year old day. This shit is HARD and no one, no matter how awesome you are, can handle it gracefully 24-7. Your husband is right, the fact that you made it this far speaks volumes for how brave you are. Enjoy your long run tomorrow/today and then enjoy your break from running. I sincerely hope your break is for the next 9 months. ~~ sending you lots of good, fertile, calm vibes ~~

  4. I hate when things aren't clear at the clinic! There is so much that makes this process difficult already, adding another trouble to the mix just sucks. I hope things get cleared up soon, and I hope you're having a relaxing weekend. It's important to rest and take care of yourself.

    Oh, and I have been irritable for no reason too. It happens to all of us. Don't be too hard on yourself.