Honestly, I try to remember that everyone fights their own battles. I do. I know people are dealing with their own crap and are struggling in their own ways. And I realize that my infertility isn't their number one concern. It may slip their mind. They may not realize how heavily it weighs on me every day.
But.
I am not the right person to console you and wipe away your tears about how fast your four month old baby is growing up. Or how time consuming it is to pump breast milk. Or how little sleep you're getting. Or how it's hard to get your pre-baby body back.
I have tried to be a good listener to this particular person (also featured here and even more devastatingly here). She has been a wonderful friend over the past several years and I'd hate to lose her. I know she doesn't mean to be insensitive and I love her despite the fact that she came to my office yesterday specifically to unload. Through her tears, she said she knew she shouldn't be complaining to me of all people. I just didn't know what to say. I know she's struggling right now. I have no doubt what she's going through is tough. And I'm sure she needs to talk about it with someone.
Just not me. NOT. ME.
I'm not sure what my strategy should be in situations like this. Do I speak up? Tune out? Avoid? Redirect? Remind my friend that I would do anything to have those problems?
But then on the other hand, what kind of friendship is one where you can't talk about your kid and how your life has changed because of him? I can feel her life and mine stretching further and further apart. It's sad. I don't want to lose my friends when they have babies, right?!? But can I handle this kind of conversation?
I'm not sure there's an answer to any of this, but words of wisdom are welcome. I really am torn on how to proceed.
I am thinking, but really, I don't know what to say. Situations like these are hard. I think it might depend on how you think she'd react if you told her that you're really sorry, but it's too hard for you right now to hear her confessions about her kids. It might depend on how long you've known her, how much you rely on her to hear your story, how well connected she is to your network of friends. I hope this ends well for you, and you can protect yourself and preserve your friendship in the long run, if that ends up being important to you. Good luck! I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, she has been pretty invested in my story as well. She obviously can't relate exactly, but she has asked questions, tried to empathize, etc. Thanks for the positive thoughts!
DeleteI can totally relate to what you are going through - I have a colleague, K, who got married the same time I did four years ago. She certainly started TTC before we did, and got pregnant with her first IUI. She's due in August, and every time I see her belly I want to turn and run the other way. When we sit in meetings, she rubs her belly and I feel so depressed.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't sound like there is any easy solution for this: if you are not able to listen, she will be upset that she can't turn to you. If you do listen to her, then you will be upset. Best wishes!
Seriously, it's tough to be around ANYONE pregnant/ with young babies. But when they complain about it to someone with IF, though, is when it really gets my goat.
DeleteI was recovering from uterine surgery, I didnt know if I would be able to have children. My friend called to see how I was recovering. Very nice of her... and then she told me the following... At least you arent 6 months pregnant shopping for a new bras because mine no longer fit. She was my very best friend. I couldnt believe she could be so stupid to say such things.
ReplyDeleteShe did later tell me that she was insensitive and really just felt bad and awkwardly blurted out things because she didnt know what to say.I think a lot of people really dont realize how hard all of this really is.
Wow. Talk about a foot-in-the-mouth moment... sheesh. It's nice that your friend apologized later, but yikes! She must not have been thinking.
DeleteSounds like some post partum. Is there an employee assistance plan where you work. I would email her and let her know that you don't want to ruin your friendship but that you do not feel able to help her with this situation, as it is too difficult at this time for you given your situation. Then kindly suggest that she seek out a friend who can or a person with specific training and give her the number for the EAP program if you have one.
ReplyDeleteI almost mentioned to her yesterday that it sounded like post partum. I'm not sure if there's anything at work to help, but I'll definitely check it out next week. Thanks for the advice!
DeleteOh boy. This is a tough one.
ReplyDeleteOf course you want to be there for your friend and you don't want to risk hurting your relationship with her, but you also need to protect yourself. If you find it's more than you can handle, perhaps you could gently tell her that you're not in a good place right now and, as much as you love her, you're just not in a position to offer her the kind of help and support she needs. It might also help to tell your fears of this coming between the two of you and that you truly treasure your friendship. That way she'll know that you don't want to push her away, but there are just certain things you can't cope with at the moment.
Whatever you decide to do...good luck.
Aggh, this is one of those conversations that look so good here on the comment boards but that I would totally botch in real life. Maybe I can work myself up to it, b/c it probably is the healthiest way to handle!
DeleteOh, boy, this is tricky. You want to be a friend and good listener, but on the other hand, you wish you had her problems. I'd have to tell her that as much as you'd like to empathize with her, you can't and she might get better advice from someone who has been there. Redirect her to a post partum depression website or support group for new mothers. Tell her nicely that right now you're not the best person to support her right now and why. Let her know you need some time.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
ICLW #23
Wow. She must believe you have a lot of strength if she's coming to you with these problems right now. And you truly must have that strength if you are able to sit there without punching her.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I know that's not helpful. Insensitivity like that just makes me angry sometimes.
I agree with CzechPlease!, Jenny, and awomanmyage... Be honest with her and redirect her to someone in a better position to help. If she doesn't respect and appreciate that, then maybe its time to reevaluate things. I wish you the best and am so sorry you are having to face this on top of everything else.
Oh, this is so hard. I feel like there's no good way to say "I'm sorry, but I just can't listen to you right now." Especially if she's listened to you at all about infertility. I mean, it's screwed up, but I can sort of see the logic that she listens to you about infertility, then you listen to her about how her 4m.o. is growing up so fast (from her perspective). Maybe you could tell her about some of the things that you *do* want to hear, like how her baby is learning to roll over or something that's not a complaint. That is, if you want to maintain the friendship. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWow, reading your blog and your infertility story. It is so much like mine. We are through it all now (after a 2 year struggle) and I have a 3 year old boy. I hope that gives YOU hope. I didn't handle the situation where my friend got pregnant and had a baby while I was going through infertility very well. I was so deeply hurt by my situation that I withdrew when she would make the smallest complaint about how hard it is to have a baby (which it is hard but I couldn't stand to listen to that at the time as you say in your blog). Maybe if you can't talk to your friend, you could show her your blog post or a version of it to help her understand. In my case, when I finally became pregnant I was able to reconnect with my friend and all is well with our friendship. All the best to you. PS-without going into details, I would highly recommend going the donor egg route.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad your struggle ended with a son! I know the donor egg route might be inevitable (and my husband is ready to hop on that train now), but in my heart of hearts I'm just not there yet. I can see a future in which I am ready to take that step, but I haven't gotten there. Thanks for sharing - it does give me hope!
Deleteomg!!!!! i think you can let her know that you are there for her, including things relating to her baby, but because of your struggle it's hard to comfort her when things are going right. definitely not those words, but that idea. ;-) i've had to have one of those talks with a friend who got pregnant without trying and she got the hint. good luck and know we have all been there too. it's H.A.R.D.
ReplyDeleteMy advice, and I've been on both sides..... Sit her down and tell her, you want to hear about her child you want to support her and be her friend, but she can't unload on you like that - one of these days it's going to turn into an ugly thing... and you don't want that because you value your friendship. Ask her to understand how horrible and hard it is for you right now and ask her to have some compassion in what you are going through. Tell her, you will - in turn - be sure to ask her how she is doing when you know you can deal with the emotional vomit....
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW from #3
I can completely relate. My very dear friend had a baby over a year ago and now is pregnant with her second. Unfortunately I did not handle visiting her and her child very well, my visits always seemed to end with my leaving abruptly in tears! I guess this must have offended her or she may just be insensitive to my pain. But now when I call her to see how she is doing she never calls me back. The whole situation with my friend just breaks my heart!
ReplyDeleteBTW I think I received a similar diagnosis to yours about 5 years ago..so it seems my only option is donor egg or adoption. After 5 years its still a tough pill to swallow. I started blogging about it also..