So I did what any unsupportive, selfish wife would do. I stayed home and watched Arrested Development on Netflix.
I felt really guilty about it when Hubs got home. I apologized for not going and he said it was no big deal, but then also made a few comments that let me to believe that maybe it was kind of a big deal. Darn it. There was a chance to show Hubs a little support and appreciation and I squandered it.
He hopped in the shower and I sat on the couch feeling bad about myself, wondering why I hadn't just sucked it up to watch him play. Because "not feeling like it" only goes so far. I started thinking then about what I DO feel like doing. And I couldn't think of ANYTHING. I am ACTIVELY DREADING almost everything in my foreseeable future. We have a wedding this weekend. Dreading. We're having a bonfire next weekend with some of my girlfriends. Dreading. Dinner with family next week. Dreading.
I'm going to Florida on vacation in a couple of weeks (with the in-laws, including the one grandkid on my husband's side - a three year old). I suppose I'm not dreading the trip, but the only part I'm really looking forward to is being off work. And maybe running on the beach. I love my niece to pieces and she's obviously perfect in every way, but sometimes it's tough to be around her too long. It's a reminder of the grandchildren I am unable to produce.
So here's what I feel like doing:
- Watching TV
Here's what I don't feel like doing:
- Anything that involves interaction with other people (besides my husband)
- Anything that involves me having to pretend to enjoy myself or be happier than I am
- Using my brain too much
This kind of thinking / outlook on life is pretty grim. I am definitely the most depressed I've been sans-baby-making meds while also on the daily estrogen that has stabilized most of my symptoms. Depressed enough to think "What's the point?" which I know is a dangerous and unproductive question to ask. No worries, peeps, I don't plan on cutting anything short. I think I'd rather accept unhappiness and stick around and prevent hurting people I love. Doesn't sound very fun, though.
Ugh, sorry for this post. But writing helps me figure out what's going on in my head.