Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Bad Wife?

Last night was my husband's last softball game of the season. I haven't been along to cheer him on the whole summer, so I was planning on sucking it up and going. But then last night came and I just didn't want to go. His games are on the other side of town (about a half hour) and the game wasn't until 9 pm. Plus I didn't want to make small talk with the other wives / girlfriends. I don't know them very well and none of them are in the know about our IF situation. Also, it was a little cold out. Can you tell I've rationalized it to death?

So I did what any unsupportive, selfish wife would do. I stayed home and watched Arrested Development on Netflix.

I felt really guilty about it when Hubs got home. I apologized for not going and he said it was no big deal, but then also made a few comments that let me to believe that maybe it was kind of a big deal. Darn it. There was a chance to show Hubs a little support and appreciation and I squandered it.

He hopped in the shower and I sat on the couch feeling bad about myself, wondering why I hadn't just sucked it up to watch him play. Because "not feeling like it" only goes so far. I started thinking then about what I DO feel like doing. And I couldn't think of ANYTHING. I am ACTIVELY DREADING almost everything in my foreseeable future. We have a wedding this weekend. Dreading. We're having a bonfire next weekend with some of my girlfriends. Dreading. Dinner with family next week. Dreading.

I'm going to Florida on vacation in a couple of weeks (with the in-laws, including the one grandkid on my husband's side - a three year old). I suppose I'm not dreading the trip, but the only part I'm really looking forward to is being off work. And maybe running on the beach. I love my niece to pieces and she's obviously perfect in every way, but sometimes it's tough to be around her too long. It's a reminder of the grandchildren I am unable to produce.

So here's what I feel like doing:
  • Reading
  • Eating
  • Watching TV
  • Running
  • Sleeping

Here's what I don't feel like doing:
  • Anything that involves interaction with other people (besides my husband)
  • Anything that involves me having to pretend to enjoy myself or be happier than I am
  • Working
  • Using my brain too much

This kind of thinking / outlook on life is pretty grim. I am definitely the most depressed I've been sans-baby-making meds while also on the daily estrogen that has stabilized most of my symptoms. Depressed enough to think "What's the point?" which I know is a dangerous and unproductive question to ask. No worries, peeps, I don't plan on cutting anything short. I think I'd rather accept unhappiness and stick around and prevent hurting people I love. Doesn't sound very fun, though.

Ugh, sorry for this post. But writing helps me figure out what's going on in my head.


  1. I'm sorry you're feeling depressed. :(

  2. Oh boy. I'm right there with you. I can absolutely relate. It was my grandparents' 67th anniversary yesterday and I was asked to attend a family dinner for them, but I just felt too miserable to put on a happy face and be around other people. I feel like a huge jerk, but I just could not force myself to do it.

    I wish I had some helpful advice for you to help you through this tough time, but all I can offer you in the way of comfort is to tell you that I understand and you're not alone.


  3. I feel the exact same way! I laughed at your comment... "what do I feel like doing?" Every single thing feels like a chore. You aren't alone.

  4. You are not a bad wife. You are temporarily depressed and not yourself. Your list was spot on. I do not want to do any of those things either. I have also squandered opportunities to support my husband, reconnect with good friends I've alienated, and most recently, a job opportunity... All because of the funk I'm in. It sucks bad. I will say that my recent decision to get back on a healthy dose of an antidepressant was a fabulous one... I'm already starting to notice a difference in my mood! Just a thought. I hope you feel better soon. You are not alone.

  5. Totally understand and no you are not a bad wife, we all have to go through this crap :( so sorry you're feeling this way.