Saturday, September 22, 2012

Three Promises

Here's a promise:

If I ever am fortunate and blessed enough to get pregnant, I will never complain about said pregnancy to someone I know to be infertile. 

And another one:

If that pregnancy should lead to my being a mother to an actual baby, I will never bitch to someone I know to be infertile about how I want my life and body back and how when I get home from work I just want said baby to go to bed so I can relax.

One more: 

I will remain capable of holding a conversation on topics other than pregnancy and motherhood. 

I can guess that pregnancy and motherhood are difficult and there would probably be times when I might feel like venting (though I have no experience with pregnancy nor motherhood). But having been infertile, I know that these types of complaints are painful to hear when you would do anything to be in that position. 

What I can't figure out is how my friend who tried to conceive for two years and went through several failed IUIs and a failed IVF before finally getting pregnant and having her adorable 13 month old girl has forgotten that. She's been where I am. She knows it's impossibly hard to hear... so I just. don't. get it. 

So what is it? Does being a mother completely erase one's ability to think about another person's perspective? 

I know that's not true for everyone because I have met many mothers in the blog world who remain sensitive to those of us still in the trenches. I hope if/when my fertility situation is ever resolved that I never forget what it took to get there. 

19 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that your friend has been insensitive to you. Maybe after struggling so long, she is just so happy to have a child that it has consumed her and she wants the whole world to know, you know? Not that that is an excuse. She should know better! And I have no doubt that, when you do have a child, you will treat all your infertile friends with the greatest tenderness.

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    1. I'm sure she would feel terrible about it if she thought about it - I remember her telling me back when she was in the trenches (and before I was) about how awful it is to hear this exact kind of thing!

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  2. She is clearly a born-again-fertile.

    I luuuuuurve your promises.... PARTICULARLY the last one... Sweet baby Jesus if everyone could keep that promise.

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    1. I know it! I think I was bugged by that one even pre-infertility.

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  3. Love your promises....I may have to promise them to myself as well!!!

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    1. It sounds do-able now, though I'm sure it'll be tougher once I'm in the position!

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  4. Oh, these are great. I have one of these friends. It's like she's completely forgotten how hard this all can be. I've asked her (nicely) to please stop complaining to me and she told me that I was being insensitive!

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  5. Great promises. I find the first two easy but the third one hard to keep. Hi from ICLW. I also have POF. My ovaries have been broken since I was 15 and got my first high FSH level. We have a miracle son through embryo adoption!

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    1. 15 years old, WOW. :( POF sucks. But I'm so glad you got your your miracle son! I clicked over and he is adorable!

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  6. it is sad, so many people lack the sensitivity chips...

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  7. I found your blog through ICLW, though I forgot to sign up for it this month. It would be nice if some of the complainers that are now pregnant would just stop for a minute and remember just how much they wanted their baby/ies. But then again we all love to complain.

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  8. great promises and I so hear you on the born-again-fertiles. I just had this whole conversation with a friend who is preggers after IVF and no mention of how it happened, no asking me how our treatment is going. Just a normal big-belly lady feeling all glowy and yet complaining. boo.

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  9. Amen. I have thought about making those same commitments if ever I become pregnant and a mommy. But I'm too afraid to put it in writing should I end up eating my words after having one bad day that sends me over the edge. Also, I have wondered those same thoughts about some ladies in the IF community (no one in particular, just generally speaking) who have had successful pregnancies and complained about their babies to those of us still struggling to get pregnant.

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  10. How soon do people forget... uhhhhhh... I think the ability to let those comments roll off your shoulders is a real virtue. I know it sucks for you to hear them but at least you know how to behave around people WHEN you do become a mother.

    (Hi from ICLW!)

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  11. My friend is similar-although not exactly the same. It took them nearly four years to conceive which they did naturally, but she was anguished at how long it was taking at times. Now they have a 2 week old and she seems to be thinking she's getting away with the complaining by adding at the end of her fb status' things like "good thing she's so darn cute!" I love her and I love her baby, but I just keep doing the same thing you're doing-making a deal with the universe that if I ever get pregnant I will only bitch to myself-I won't put it out there where it could potentially hurt/annoy someone else.

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  12. What great promises! I often think that parenthood makes 99% of people lose all their personality! Dax's best friend Trev (the one I always moan about) has become the biggest baby bore, EVER. Jeez! As for born again infertiles, I actually think they are the ultimate sinners. Seriously, How can you forget!?

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  13. This is great! So true...it makes me want to scream thinking about it....

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