One lonely line. A BFN today.
Well. That sucks.
I must have looked at the stick at least a dozen times. I pulled it out of the trash can to observe it again. Is that a smudge or could it be a second line?
Spoiler alert: it was a smudge.
I came out of the bathroom and told Champ. He tried to play it off like he expected a negative test, but then pulled me into his lap and his eyes were shiny with tears. I tried to be optimistic and we outlined a plan of getting on some stims maybe in November after my next "fake" period. I was proud of myself for handling the news so well.
Then a couple hours later we were out to dinner and I saw a pregnant woman. She looked about 6 months along and was laughing at something a friend or sister had said.
Cue flushed faced. Cue tears welling up. Cue lump rising in throat. It struck me... the unjustness of it all. Why does that lady get to be pregnant? Why her and not me? What kind of fucked up cruel trick is this?
I'm glad I tested today. I have therapy tomorrow night (I'm only going once a month now) and I think it will be quite timely to discuss how pissed and frustrated I am. And I just got a good cry out in Champ's arms and I'd much rather have an evening to process this and get my head on straight rather than test in the morning and go to work a mess.
I really didn't think I had my hopes up. But I feel pretty crushed right now.