One lonely line. A BFN today.
Well. That sucks.
I must have looked at the stick at least a dozen times. I pulled it out of the trash can to observe it again. Is that a smudge or could it be a second line?
Spoiler alert: it was a smudge.
I came out of the bathroom and told Champ. He tried to play it off like he expected a negative test, but then pulled me into his lap and his eyes were shiny with tears. I tried to be optimistic and we outlined a plan of getting on some stims maybe in November after my next "fake" period. I was proud of myself for handling the news so well.
Then a couple hours later we were out to dinner and I saw a pregnant woman. She looked about 6 months along and was laughing at something a friend or sister had said.
Cue flushed faced. Cue tears welling up. Cue lump rising in throat. It struck me... the unjustness of it all. Why does that lady get to be pregnant? Why her and not me? What kind of fucked up cruel trick is this?
I'm glad I tested today. I have therapy tomorrow night (I'm only going once a month now) and I think it will be quite timely to discuss how pissed and frustrated I am. And I just got a good cry out in Champ's arms and I'd much rather have an evening to process this and get my head on straight rather than test in the morning and go to work a mess.
I really didn't think I had my hopes up. But I feel pretty crushed right now.
I'm so sorry, friend. We can tell ourselves a million times not to be too hopeful, but that one single line is always a slap in the face. Thinking of you tonight, and sending many hugs!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Jen. Trying not to get your hopes up is so hard and the disappointment never feels any less even when you tried to talk yourself out of it. Take the time to cry and be sad. I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh Jen, I'm so so so sorry. I wanted this for you guys so badly. Honestly, I was more excited about your ovulation than my transfer. I hope your therapy appointment tomorrow helps you process these feelings in a positive and productive way. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThis sucks so much. :( I'm really sorry, Jen.
ReplyDelete*big hugs*
Ah, suck. I'm so sorry. I hope therapy goes well tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I think it's impossible not to get your hopes up a little bit in the two week wait. Sending you good thoughts.
ReplyDelete2ww are hell just because it's nearly impossible NOT to hope.
ReplyDeleteLots of love and hugs to you. I am so sorry. :(
Oh Jen, I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you. I'm glad you have Champs (and therapy) to help get you through. Many big e-hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI am so so sorry. Thank goodness for great husbands. Sending you lots of good thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHoping during a TWW is as involuntary as breathing. And so is that horrible, hollow sadness when you get another kick in the gut by a BFN. I am so so sorry this wasn't the one. I know you have to process and grieve this lost chance, but please know that i am keeping hope alive and well for you in the meantime.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. Cry it out as much as you want. I too feel like I don't have my hopes up for this cycle or any possible future cycles just so I can try to protect myself. But I know I will still be heartbroken if I see another BFN no matter how hard I try to ignore it. Lots of prayers and hugs for you. XO
ReplyDeleteJen, I'm so so sorry! I really wanted this to be THE cycle for you two. You're both doing a great job of dealing with this and I'm glad you have a therapy sesh scheduled. That will help too. I'm sending you hugs!!!!
ReplyDeleteUgh! I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work out for you. I hear ya on the "why does she get to get pregnant and I don't?" thing...I had 3 pregnancy announcements from friends in one day last week. It is just so so unfair. It's so freaking heart-breaking to see that one lonely line cycle after cycle. We're all here for you.
ReplyDeleteI never think I have my hopes up and I am always crushed. It's like the nature of the beast. It sucks. HUGS
ReplyDeleteOh Jen! This BITES! I'm so sorry. It is just completely unfair. I'm sending you a huge hug. I hope it helps.
ReplyDelete