Sunday, August 26, 2012

Wait, why are we doing this?

I don't know about you all, but my husband, while having come a long way, still knows very little about how the whole menstrual cycle works. He knows the term ovulation but not really when it happens or why or how. He knows that something changes in my lady bits when I'm nearing ovulation, but he kind of shuts his ears when I talk about stuff like egg white cervical mucus. 

So this week when I told him that I was hoping ovulation was in the near future, he knew well enough to ask me "how's it going down there?" every time I got out of the shower, even if he didn't exactly know what answer he was hoping for. But alas, every day this week, I shook my head and said "no dice." 

He said we should probably do it anyway, because you never know. I threw him a couple of bones, but I was pretty convinced it wasn't going to happen. It's Day 16 of my cycle and last time I ovulated (back in April), the EWCM showed up on Day 10. But my body is pretty effed up, so who knows. 

Last night, he confided that this week has been hard on him. That he got his hopes up and now it doesn't look like this month will have a chance, so he's been doing some soul searching about why we even want to have babies. I think that's pretty normal. I mean, you're going through x amount of years and who knows how many dollars and endless amount of disappointment and heartache... you're probably going to take a hot second and think about why you're doing it. 

It's not like we have a duty to perpetuate humanity. I think the population will survive without us. A big part of it is kind of selfish - to see what a miniature combo version of "us" would look like and be like. But my baby most likely won't look like me, cause we'll probably eventually use a donor egg. And then there's the desire for a "higher purpose" in life, of taking care of something that needs us. But we've both decided that we don't want that to be our WHOLE purpose in life, even if we do get pregnant and have kids. That's a totally different take on the situation than I would have had without this infertility mess. But seeing now how many of my friends with kids have just completely lost touch with anything beside their own kid, including the ability to think or talk about anything else... I don't know. Maybe it'll all change once I'm there, but I want to always consider myself a person in addition to the role of mother if I ever achieve it. 

We decided last night that we don't have to analytically pinpoint exactly why we want babies, because it's a combination of these things and a million other reasons and in the end it doesn't really matter. Because we know we want to be parents. 

And then today, EWCM shows up, loud, proud, and unmistakable. !! I'm calling the RE tomorrow morning and getting in there, stat! No wasting time. If I'm about to ovulate, we are marching in and asking how we can get this mofo knocked UP! An IUI? OKAY! Some kind of fancy expensive med? YES PLEASE! Headstands? We WILL do it! 

I will, of course, let you know how it goes. 

In other news, we've added some "decor" to our bathroom (freebies from my aunt). It's coming along!


16 comments:

  1. I can totally relate to the baby brain parents. I hope I don't become one of them, but I do hope I can become a parent. Good luck at the RE office tomorrow!

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  2. I think I could have written most of this post! My husband and I had that discussion, too...Why do we want this? What are we willing to do to get there? And I TOTALLY agree with wanting to be a person in addition to a mother. One of my co-workers made me so mad when I was talking to her once about an outfit she planned to wear to an event. She was saying, "It doesn't really look good on me. It doesn't feel good on me, either. But, I guess I just have to wear 'mom clothes' from now on!" I said, "You don't have to wear mom clothes...you are a mom, but you are a woman, too. You were a woman and a person FIRST." She glared and said, "No, I am a MOM."

    Hooray for the EWCM!! Hoping that this month is YOUR month!

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  3. Eee gads - agreed, I could've written this. As much as I want babies and as devastating as it is not to be able to do that easily, I in no way want to think my life is without purpose without having them. And I soooo don't want to be one of those Mom's that CANNOT talk about anything else - and good Lawd there's a lot of them.

    Yay for EWCM! Woot woooooooot.

    And I LOVE those. Have your Aunt throw some my way. Sheesh.

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    1. Sidenote - would it really be you throwing your husband a couple of bones, or would it be him throwing you a couple?

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    2. Hahaha, you are SO RIGHT! Or at least... he threw me A bone a couple of times. I like the way you think.

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    3. Ahhahahahaha. You girls crack me up!

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  4. Those ovaries really know how to throw curve balls, don't they? So glad to hear they decided to make it to the party. I have everything crossed for you!

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  5. YAY!!!! I so hope your RE can get you in and get this party rollin'. Will be thinking of you for sure!

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  6. Yay for EWCM!! My husband tried hard to get hip with all of the TTC lingo, but he usually butchered it (i.e. he would ask me if I had "egg yolks" haha). Good luck to you this cycle!!!

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  7. I can understand the soul searching you described with your husband. With every failed cycle I begin to wonder if this is all really worth it. Then I read the agonizing blog posts of women that do actually get pregnant and they are agonizing over every beta, flutter, twinge, and ugh...I just wonder sometimes if maybe my husband and I are better off as a duo...

    Best wishes to you!

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  8. I get the soul searching thing, also totally giggled when you said that every friend you has with kids seems to lose touch with everything BUT their child. So true. It's like that is the only thing they talk about. As though breeding removes all personality! Argh! Am I ready to lose my personality? Not too sure...

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  9. I can so relate to this! Especially as hubby and I were childfree for 6 years before we spent a year deciding to be pregnant and -IRONY-14 months and counting without even a hint of conception. We look back fondly at the time before we decided to have kids, as it seems to have brought us nothing but misery. I have to believe that life can be joyful and fulfilling regardless of children. At the same time, I desperately want to be a parent. And, on a small level, part of this is just to prove to the baby brainers that actually one can be a fully rounded human being with children! I hope we all get the chance!

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    1. Me too! Agh, I hate irony in your situation.

      Here's hoping both of us can be the parents with full, well-rounded lives!

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  10. Oh I LOVE the pictures!!! Hoping for a great appt tomorrow!!

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  11. Ooh! Love the pics for your bathroom!

    My hubby is pretty much the same way when it comes to the happenings of the female anatomy. He attempts to listen and learn but it doesn't always go very far.

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  12. When you know what you want... Sprint towards it! I'm wishing you the best!

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