So this week when I told him that I was hoping ovulation was in the near future, he knew well enough to ask me "how's it going down there?" every time I got out of the shower, even if he didn't exactly know what answer he was hoping for. But alas, every day this week, I shook my head and said "no dice."
He said we should probably do it anyway, because you never know. I threw him a couple of bones, but I was pretty convinced it wasn't going to happen. It's Day 16 of my cycle and last time I ovulated (back in April), the EWCM showed up on Day 10. But my body is pretty effed up, so who knows.
Last night, he confided that this week has been hard on him. That he got his hopes up and now it doesn't look like this month will have a chance, so he's been doing some soul searching about why we even want to have babies. I think that's pretty normal. I mean, you're going through x amount of years and who knows how many dollars and endless amount of disappointment and heartache... you're probably going to take a hot second and think about why you're doing it.
It's not like we have a duty to perpetuate humanity. I think the population will survive without us. A big part of it is kind of selfish - to see what a miniature combo version of "us" would look like and be like. But my baby most likely won't look like me, cause we'll probably eventually use a donor egg. And then there's the desire for a "higher purpose" in life, of taking care of something that needs us. But we've both decided that we don't want that to be our WHOLE purpose in life, even if we do get pregnant and have kids. That's a totally different take on the situation than I would have had without this infertility mess. But seeing now how many of my friends with kids have just completely lost touch with anything beside their own kid, including the ability to think or talk about anything else... I don't know. Maybe it'll all change once I'm there, but I want to always consider myself a person in addition to the role of mother if I ever achieve it.
We decided last night that we don't have to analytically pinpoint exactly why we want babies, because it's a combination of these things and a million other reasons and in the end it doesn't really matter. Because we know we want to be parents.
And then today, EWCM shows up, loud, proud, and unmistakable. !! I'm calling the RE tomorrow morning and getting in there, stat! No wasting time. If I'm about to ovulate, we are marching in and asking how we can get this mofo knocked UP! An IUI? OKAY! Some kind of fancy expensive med? YES PLEASE! Headstands? We WILL do it!
I will, of course, let you know how it goes.
In other news, we've added some "decor" to our bathroom (freebies from my aunt). It's coming along!