An Only Child

Where did this week go?

Oh, now I remember. It's the busiest week of the year in my job and I haven't been able to stop to breathe until now. <<deep breath>>. That feels good.

My sister-in-law and her husband and adorable three year old daughter came to visit this weekend. Seriously, that little girl could not be more sweet and funny and adorable. We took her to see "Suessical the Musical" at a local dinner theatre and what did she take out of it? <<cue adorable little girl voice>> "You know what? That Grinch wasn't wearing any panties! He's so silly, isn't he?"

Then in her guest room at my house, she became quite enamored with this cookie cutter painting we got at Hobby Lobby a few years ago.

She brought it up on THREE separate occasions, asking me if I painted it, where did we get it and "how amazing is that picture?"

Aggggghghgh I can't even handle the preciousness!

As always, it's a little tough being around my niece A because she is a reminder of what my could-be daughter might look like. And my SIL, as supportive and wonderful as she tries to be, ends up completely inadvertently crushing my soul a little. She knows what's going on with my POF and everything and she really has made a solid effort trying to be supportive, but this weekend, she said "when you guys have kids [insert words of wisdom here]" a few times. And I know she says that because she really believes we'll have kids some day, but it's still like... she doesn't know if we'll ever have a kid, let alone kids plural. 

It got me thinking about how "kids" - being the plural of "kid" - is a word that will probably never be in my future. If we get to be in the lucky 5-10% of Premature Ovarian Failure couples who get pregnant with no help, it certainly will only happen once. And if we don't fall into the lucky 5-10%, we'll have to use a donor egg via IVF. For $15,000-$20,000. For a 50% chance of a baby. Again, that is only going to happen once. We are in no position to pay that kind of money more than once. We are very barely in the position to pay for it once, and it will take some serious sacrifice.

So if I get to be a mother at all, I can say with almost 100% certainty that I will have an "only child." And for some reason that makes me really really sad. Hubs and I are both one-of-three. We have huge families with lots of cousins and aunts and uncles. I always wanted that for my kids too.

Don't get me wrong. I will happily and lovingly accept my one child if I get to be so lucky. I will love him or her with my whole heart and I will be eternally grateful for that one child. And I have nothing against only children. It just wasn't in my plan. I wanted two or possibly three kids.

So it's just one more thing infertility has stolen from me. Another thing thing to grieve.

But the good news is my someday baby will have an older cousin  (hopefully not too much older. She's already three!) to play with and look up to. And while it can be really hard now, being around my SIL's daughter, and anticipating my brother's wife's someday pregnancy, having cousins will be a really good thing for my baby, if/when I finally have one. It'll at least be the next best thing to siblings, right?