I was doing great.
No tears in over THREE WEEKS (a record-shattering accomplishment for this year).
WAY more productive at work. Lots of list making and actually crossing things off. It helps that it's the absolute busiest three weeks of the year.
Also, this past weekend really helped me remember how much fun I can have. I've been riding that high all week long.
I think it's pretty clear that the therapy has been helping me cope with day-to-day life. I don't know how it's working, but it is. I've slowly been feeling a little happier, a little lighter, and a little more productive.
So things are looking up.
Then today, I decided to go for an outdoor run on my usual path by work. When I say "usual path," I mean I haven't actually run there since May because it's been so hot. But before then, it was pretty usual. As I was running, it's like my brain went back in time to May and I started feeling all those same hormonal train wreck feelings I went through back then. I found myself choking back tears. For really, no reason!
When I got in my car, I tried to reason with myself that I had really turned a corner lately and I shouldn't dwell on what I can't change and yada yada yada, but all I could do was cry because in my heart of hearts, I don't think I'll ever have my own biological baby. That's not a new thought, not a revelation or anything. I've felt that way for a while. And I was learning to cope with that.
Now I'm feeling kinda bummed. But I'll take "kinda bummed" over the dark depression I've had for the past three months, that's for sure. So I'm calling this just a little setback, and I think that's okay.
What is it about running? I get a bit sad and weepy while running, too. I hope that things return to the former shade of light.
ReplyDeleteLittle setbacks are ok, and they're to be expected. The problem is you never really know when something will trigger them.
ReplyDeleteI hope the happier feelings return soon. *hugs*
I get weepy while running sometimes, too! Crazy hormones. Healing moves in stages. Making it three weeks, though, that is an excellent accomplishment!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry honey. I totally understand how you feel. big hugs x
ReplyDeleteI feel exactly the same way...that I'm not meant to have my own biological child. I feel liked I've always known this, since maybe when I was in high school?? But I can't help but fight it and try with IVF. I'm just not the type of person to give up. So I know how you feel with your setback. I get those a lot too and I just keep fighting my way through them while I still have some fight left in me. Sending you hugs and strength to make it through this.
ReplyDeleteI have the problem of not feeling my feelings enough (since even before pof) so when I cry I remind myself that its a good thing because it shows that I am actually processing my emotions. Sometimes I am so busy researching ivf and de that I forget to mourn the loss of my genetic child. Crying is s victory for me these days!
ReplyDeleteWhat your dealing with is hard. Sometimes you need a good cry. I say let it out.
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