Monday, August 20, 2012

An Only Child

Where did this week go?

Oh, now I remember. It's the busiest week of the year in my job and I haven't been able to stop to breathe until now. <<deep breath>>. That feels good.

My sister-in-law and her husband and adorable three year old daughter came to visit this weekend. Seriously, that little girl could not be more sweet and funny and adorable. We took her to see "Suessical the Musical" at a local dinner theatre and what did she take out of it? <<cue adorable little girl voice>> "You know what? That Grinch wasn't wearing any panties! He's so silly, isn't he?"

Then in her guest room at my house, she became quite enamored with this cookie cutter painting we got at Hobby Lobby a few years ago.


She brought it up on THREE separate occasions, asking me if I painted it, where did we get it and "how amazing is that picture?"

Aggggghghgh I can't even handle the preciousness!

As always, it's a little tough being around my niece A because she is a reminder of what my could-be daughter might look like. And my SIL, as supportive and wonderful as she tries to be, ends up completely inadvertently crushing my soul a little. She knows what's going on with my POF and everything and she really has made a solid effort trying to be supportive, but this weekend, she said "when you guys have kids [insert words of wisdom here]" a few times. And I know she says that because she really believes we'll have kids some day, but it's still like... she doesn't know if we'll ever have a kid, let alone kids plural. 

It got me thinking about how "kids" - being the plural of "kid" - is a word that will probably never be in my future. If we get to be in the lucky 5-10% of Premature Ovarian Failure couples who get pregnant with no help, it certainly will only happen once. And if we don't fall into the lucky 5-10%, we'll have to use a donor egg via IVF. For $15,000-$20,000. For a 50% chance of a baby. Again, that is only going to happen once. We are in no position to pay that kind of money more than once. We are very barely in the position to pay for it once, and it will take some serious sacrifice.

So if I get to be a mother at all, I can say with almost 100% certainty that I will have an "only child." And for some reason that makes me really really sad. Hubs and I are both one-of-three. We have huge families with lots of cousins and aunts and uncles. I always wanted that for my kids too.

Don't get me wrong. I will happily and lovingly accept my one child if I get to be so lucky. I will love him or her with my whole heart and I will be eternally grateful for that one child. And I have nothing against only children. It just wasn't in my plan. I wanted two or possibly three kids.

So it's just one more thing infertility has stolen from me. Another thing thing to grieve.

But the good news is my someday baby will have an older cousin  (hopefully not too much older. She's already three!) to play with and look up to. And while it can be really hard now, being around my SIL's daughter, and anticipating my brother's wife's someday pregnancy, having cousins will be a really good thing for my baby, if/when I finally have one. It'll at least be the next best thing to siblings, right?

23 comments:

  1. I totally understand that feeling of having an only child. After all the expensive treatments, how can we realistically expect to afford it a 2nd time? Especially when a child sucks you dry of all your money (or at least I'm reminded of that by all the fertiles out there...something I should be thankful for, right? Ha.)

    Btw, thank you for all the supportive comments you've left on my last few posts. You always seems to know just the right words to say, and it really makes me feel better.

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    1. Yes! It's gonna cost us an arm and a leg to get that baby, but of course we can't forget the expenses don't stop when we pop em out!

      And you're welcome - We RESOLVE ladies need to stick together! I'll be at the September meeting, I hope to see you there!

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  2. I too have come to terms with the possibility of an only child which is sad because my sisters are special to me. But I'm counting on cousins to fill the sibling role. Lucky for us we live next door to some.

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    1. Living close to cousins will definitely be good. Kind of warrants a second glance at Hubs' and my plan to move far far away... hmm...

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  3. I struggle with that, too, hoping that we'll be able to have more than one but feeling so unsure about the possibility due to my condition. I am the second oldest of 6 and have always thought I wanted 3-4 little ones of my own. Infertility is awful in so many ways :(

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    1. IF is crap! Sometimes I'll forget for a few minutes, even now almost a year after my diagnosis and I'll be like "wait, WHAT?!? Really?!? ME?!?! INFERTILE?!?" Those moments are not good ones.

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  4. I grew up as an only child and, while it can be lonely, it can also be wonderful. I got to enjoy things (like fancy trips and more birthday gifts) my friends didn't, had so much extra time with my parents, and developed an extremely close bond with my mom, which I don't think would have happened as easily if I had to share her with someone else. And yes...cousins can fill the void, and beautifully! My cousins were some of my best friends growing up. But I'm sorry this has to be one more thing you grieve. It's not fair. Not fair at all.

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    1. I'm glad being an only child was a good experience for you - it definitely makes me feel a little better to know it helped you forge a close relationship with your mom and that cousins could play the sibling role!

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  5. Stopping by from ICLW. Infertility steals a lot from us. It seems like the second we can breathe again there's another sucker punch waiting in the shadows. While I'm not an only child I did grow up like one (brother and sister were way older than me). I appreciated the extra time I had with my parents but I did miss having someone my age to play with.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! And I know what you mean about the sucker punch - I guess I should have thought about the only child thing already, but the thought seemed to come out of nowhere!

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  6. Here from ICLW. I feel silly to admit that I haven't thought about that yet. I guess that will be another sad topic I'll have to deal with when the time comes. But I think the joy of having one miracle - if we ever get there - will outshine everything else.

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    1. I agree. I will happily accept my one child, should the time ever come!!!

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  7. I remember the days when I entertained the notion of having three or even four kids. I love big families! I loved being part of a big family. The only way that is going to happen is if an IUI goes awry. Not ideal! With that said, my expectations have also been resized and I would love to have one child. Just one.

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    1. I know exactly what you mean... I feel a little guilty even saying that I might hope for multiples, but overall, I would just one a healthy baby even if it meant having only one.

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  8. Hi friend! Here from ICLW.

    I imagine that it must be wonderful, yet simultaneously so difficult, to have a little niece or nephew running around. I'm the oldest child in my family, so there aren't a lot of kids in my life yet. Just some of my friends'. I always have assumed mine would be here first in my family, and lately I'm not so sure. My worst fear is that one of mine or my husband's younger siblings will beat us to having kids. That would really hurt.

    I keep hoping that IVF could work a miracle, and give us twins. But if I could have just one, I'd be happy.

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    1. Thanks for coming by! You are exactly right - it's wonderful and tough. Being around babies / kids / pregnant peeps will obviously remind us that we can't have the same thing! And I know exactly what you mean about your siblings beating you to the pregnancy punch. I have literally had multiple nightmares about that very thing!

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  9. Hi from ICLW! (I think I'm #65.)

    This post really struck a chord with me. I'm an only child, for no real reason other than my parents didn't feel like having any more kids. I always wanted a big, noisy family. My husband also wanted a big, noisy family, so lucky me, right? I've had to face this issue too, that the one thing I really thought I personally would do differently from my parents might not happen. There's nothing really wrong with being an only child, obviously, but I was kind of a lonely kid. I just wanted a big family, but that's not realistically in our future any more. It's another decision that everyone else gets that we don't.

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    1. I guess cousins on your side at least isn't an option if you are an only child - what about your husband? I'm betting if either of us have kids, we'll ensure that our only child will not be a lonely one!

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  10. Hi from ICLW. I can relate to your visit with your niece. I have an adorable 2 year old nephew that I love as my own. But I know he's not mine, so it's is bittersweet because I love spending time with him, but it also reminds me of what I don't have of my own.

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  11. Hi from ICLW!
    Your niece sounds so very cute and I had to laugh at the grinch and his panties! :P
    But I totally understand what you mean by the "when you have kids", the other night my BFF told me she will consider having number three once i've had number two. Geez I would be happy enough with one right now! Her two are cute and I enjoy spending time with them, especially the older one, but it still hits a nerve.
    We just have to keep praying and hoping! My FX that one day you will not have to worry about these types of things anymore :)

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  12. Hello and happy ICLW. There are so many sadnesses in this dam journey. I am like you, I have always dreamed of having more than one, and I will be very disappointed if that cannot be. I do think you can create extended family that mean as much as siblings though. Two of the girls I consider as sisters are not related to me by blood.

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  13. Hi from ICLW! Okay, the panties comment had me grinning from ear to ear! You're right...IF steals a lot of things away from us. Hoping there's a way that you will one day be at complete peace with all of the loss in light of all you gained. :)

    ICLW #69

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  14. I'm a little behind on my blog reading after being on vacation for a couple days but I've often had the same thoughts you have about the only child thing. The financial aspect is one thing and our ages (my hubby is 9 years older than me) is another. I too wanted more than one child but I will take what I can get. One is better than none, and none is where I am so far.

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