Saturday, March 24, 2012

Going Public?

I just had a minor panic attack when I realized that the bloggers I subscribe to on Google Reader can also see my blog if they click on my profile. This is a problem because I read several blogs of people I KNOW and who KNOW ME (in real life!), but who don't know that I have Premature Ovarian Failure. Or a blog about it. And I haven't yet made the jump to "go public" with this information (both the POF and the blog about it).

Hence I just went through my Google feed and unsubscribed to all the (non-fertility-related) blogs of people I know. It's kind of a bummer, isn't it? Especially given the whole point of IComLeavWe - building a community and starting a conversation and providing support.

Here's the problem. I don't know if I want everyone and their mother to know I have a blog about POF and infertility. I don't even know if I want my own mother to know about the blog. So far, only Hubs knows, and it was a struggle to tell even him (and I waited a full month after starting it. And I made him promise not to read it). This is weird because I am a chronic over-sharer. I am not typically shy about embarrassing or uncomfortable stories.

But I have some strong reservations about letting other people know about this. On the one hand, it might really help people who care about me understand what's going on in my head. I know sometimes people get afraid to ask me how the baby-making is going because a) it's always kind of awkward to ask about that and b) people don't want to make me feel uncomfortable or sick of talking about it. And I do, on occasion, get sick of repeating over and over that no, the drugs didn't work, and yes, my ovaries are still broken, and no. I'm. not. pregnant. still. Going public (or even semi-public, like just sharing with close friends and family), would allow people to know what's going on without having to ask.

On the other hand (the winning hand, at this point), I am afraid that if I let people in I'll have to censor myself. Will I be able to bitch and moan about ignorant stuff people say? Will I have to put on a pretend happy face so people won't worry about me?

I've already felt like I've lost a little bit of myself in the past year, through the total and utter preoccupation of my mind with all things fertility. I want this blog to be about my honest journey. It's my place to really sort out what I'm thinking and feeling without fear of being a drag on a conversation with friends or being a burden to the people who know my story. I also like sharing with people who are also struggling with fertility and can commiserate, or with people who have been where I am and moved on, but can offer advice.

So, new friends - what is your policy on going public? What are the pros and cons as you see it? If you've gone public with your blog, who'd you tell? Any regrets?


17 comments:

  1. ugh, complicated. i have gone public with my fertility struggle and how we got pregnant with pretty much everyone (oversharer), but have not told anyone IRL about my blog, aside from my husband, who, like you, i made promise not to read it.

    although i have issues with blogging (i struggle with over-censoring myself and putting my true self on paper for some reason), it is so personal... i think it is my escape from my IRL friends and family in a way. because i am an oversharer, i think it is important that i have this space that i undershare with the people i usually overshare with.

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  2. very tough situation. I haven't told anyone IRL that I do my blog. I don't want them reading it. The one exception is one my closest friends who has a blog herself and suggested that blogging might help me. She gave me her blog address and I read it all the time. It's not a big deal to me if she reads it, we talk about all of it IRL all the time. Last night I just texted her saying "WTF, I have serious amounts of EWCM but no pos OPK!!". I figure if you are on that level with a friend, anything you say in your blog can't shock them.

    DH knows that I have a blog - he's never asked for the address and I haven't offered. I don't know if I would be comfortable with him reading some of what I've written.

    Honestly, I think that the idea of letting my friends know about my blog would be dangerous - particularly since I'm a teacher and always under scrutiny as it is. I don't need parents coming across the blog or worse yet, students.

    It's a very personal choice. I think you could find that you have more support or comrades-in-arms out there than you know - it's amazing how many people have dealt with IF, but you have to be prepared for those who just don't get it. And personally, I wouldn't want to censor myself on my blog.

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    1. I understand the whole teacher-under-scrutiny deal. I work at a college and teach a couple of classes, but I think I'd be torn to shreds if my students (or their parents, for that matter) found the blog. Certainly NONE of my students know about the fertility issues, and I'd like to keep it that way!

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  3. I've struggled with the same questions and for now, have not shared my blog with anyone I know in real life. I might share select posts with my husband but he respects that it is otherwise my private space. I am also an oversharer IRL so most of our friends and family know what we are going through but self-censorship on my blog is already a problem so I know that would only get worse. It's not just the substantive content I'm concerned with but I can also get self-conscious with my writing style. With close friends, who probably know all the content anyway, my concern is that I might need the space to complain about them (or someone they know), which I know is not at all nice but it is honest.

    But there is a select group of people IRL that I kind of want to share my blog with - a couple friends who live far away and a few fellow infertiles I've met recently - and I might end up doing that. I figured I would give myself a little more time (I just started my blog last month) before I did anything, since it's not like I could take it back.

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    1. My blog is relatively new, too (just started in January), so I am kind of on the same page as you - I can always spill the beans later, but it's not exactly possible to change my mind once it's "out there"!

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  4. I used to post my blog updates on my twitter. I didn't have anyone I knew in real life on my twitter so I figured that wasn't a big deal. I didn't have my name on my twitter but somehow my older brother found it. So I have since deactivated my account. However if he ever clicked on my blog from my twitter I guess he still has the address. Eventually I just had to let go about it because I need to have a space where I can just vent about TTC.

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  5. I have only shared my blog with a few people and some of the people that I know IRL. One of the biggest things I have found is that they offer words of encouragement. The first blog I read is actually the reason I started blogging because her honesty, humor and support is something I found encouraging. On that same note, not a huge amount of people know about our struggle and I have shared more with my bloggy friends than I have with most people (except my mom and hubby). So basically the people IRL who know about my blog are the same people that know about our issues.

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  6. Hello from ICLW. I'm so glad the estrogen is working for you. My husband is the only person I have shared my blog with. Like a previous commenter I am a teacher and not comfortable sharing publicly. Good luck in your decision about whether or not to go public.

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  7. Here from ICLW.

    I've wavered on the privacy/openness of my blog. I've even attempted password protecting and moved my blog once because of some unhealthy family members. Now I am pretty open. But I've been at this a long time, and I am open about my IF in my real life now. So, I am more open on my blog now. I use names and I post photos. I really don't censor. But that could all change in a moment again. So in the end... I really don't have any advice! Just wanted to say I get it.

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  8. Also here from ICLW and can totally relate to being an over-sharer, but very cautious about who I let know about my blog. Actually, no one IRL knows about it except one friend (since she shared hers with me and convinced me to start blogging) precisely because of the complaining about the awful things well-meaning people say and my complaining about EVERYONE (not an exaggeration, btw) in my life getting knocked up accidentally or on the first or second try that will be on my blog. Yes, it would probably help them to understand a little bit, but unless you're in this situation, you can't really begin to comprehend what goes on in our heads, hearts or bodies. So no matter how much I sometimes want to share mine, it will remain private and no one IRL will even know I'm blogging. I totally understand wanting to keep it private and wanting to share...maybe a compromise would be a second blog that is more filtered? This definitely is a toughy. Anyway, good luck with making your decision. I look forward to delving into your blog more!

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  9. I struggle with this question all the time, but keep landing on the side of staying private. Actually, we're pretty private about our journey in real life too. Not out of shame or anything, I'm just afraid I won't be able to handle all the well intentioned questions.

    Did you know you can make your profile private? Or, you can not show the blogs you follow?

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  10. I have a separate account for my IF blog. Separate email and name. However if someone that knows me somehow came across my IF blog, it would be very obvious that it is mine because I use names, pictures, etc. I don't know how someone I know would find it, but it wouldn't bother me if they did. When I started my blog over two years ago it very much would have bothered me!

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  11. I understand your reservations completely. I'm kind of in the same boat... Although I am an open book, we haven't started treatments yet. For some reason I'm wanting to keep the treatments to myself so if I do get pregnant I can keep things underwraps for a minute, but at the same time I've already committed myself to sharing everything, and either way- pregnant or not pregnant I'll need support & companionship. It's a weird place to be...

    I can't tell you either way, but go with your gut instinct.
    PS Hi from ICLW :)
    Sara

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  12. Okay, I have to add my two cents here. Being totally open and public is both good and bad. I love it because it's easier to update ALL my close friends and family with every single detail, rather than tell the stories over 8 times and have people asking me all the time what is new. Now they just know what's going on and we pick up conversation from the last post. Also, everyone has been extremely understanding since reading my blog. I think it actually helps educate them a bit on what we infertiles are actually going through day to day. I know they all look forward to my posts, and like to feel included.

    The only downside, is that I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so if I want to talk about how a friend or family treated me or problems I am having personally, I have to keep it to myself.

    Good luck with that one!

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    1. I like the idea of not having to tell the same story 8 times... :) but not having to hide the complaints about friends and family. How did you decide originally to share?

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  13. I had mentioned I had a blog on Facebook and a very nose family member googled a bunch and eventually found my blog. Pretty much the whole family knows.

    Having said that, I don't use any of our real names on my blog so it wouldn't be easy for people who don't know us to find out who we are.

    It's tough, but it's up to you and your spouse as to how comfortable you want to be.

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    1. Yikes! That's reason enough to not tell people I have a blog at all! I wouldn't want people snooping to find it.

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