Three Donuts + One Day = Ugh.

Note to self: Eating three donuts in one day is not only going to make you feel like mental and physical crapola for the rest of the day, but it is also doing you no favors in the whole TTC journey. Remember, the idea is to create a healthy, strong body that is looks and feels like a happy home for a baby. Not a ride on the Tunnel O'Sugar through Wonka Land.

Here's what happened though. Student brought in three boxes of donuts and said, "hey, can you guys get rid of these? I brought them in for a class and someone else did too so we have extra." I'm a nice person, so I said "Sure! We'll take em off your hands!" and I ate one.

Then I started to feel kinda down on myself for having no control. But, what the hell, I already ate one donut. What's two? So I ate another one.

Then later my stomach started growling, because (newsflash), donuts aren't great at keeping you feeling full for a long time. And I didn't have any other food. So I ate a third one.

Fast forward two hours. Enter me wanting to die because I have spinny head and a stomach ache, much like after overindulging on booze.

You'd think, as a runner, that I would be a little more discriminating on what I put in my body. Especially given that I just spent the last three months on a strict gluten-free diet, with quite limited refined sugar. AND especially because I felt way better on that diet than I do now, all gluten-y and sugar-tastic.

Ugh. I need to get back to that. Or at the very least not gorge myself on three donuts and feel all gross and overloaded and a little wobbly from my body not knowing what the heck to do with so much junk.

Well you heard it here first: I'm going to take the lead from the ladies of blogs like Cease and Decyst and In Due Time and get down to business with eating for fertility! Step one is figuring out exactly what that means for me.

What diets / fertile foods have you tried? Was there anything in particular that worked?

Hubs is Hopeful

Last night at dinner, Hubs asked me very earnestly when I planned on taking a pregnancy test. 

My heart just melted for him. I don't think I've even ovulated yet, but he takes the first good news we've had in months (that I actually had some quality cervical mucus) and his hopes are sky high. Clearly he doesn't know that a pregnancy test means nothing at this early stage in the game, but I was so touched that he must be thinking about this more than he lets on. 

See, he NEVER brings up infertility or TTC or his emotional reactions to any of it, EVER. He'll make jokes about how we better "get it on" and that kind of thing, but he's very concerned about making sure I'M handling everything and that I'M okay, so he kind of lets me take the lead on bringing up the topic (and when I do, he's an extremely willing participant in the conversation).Sometimes I forget that he is dealing with it too, that he thinks about it every day just like I do, and that he wants a baby just as much as me.

When he asked about my timeline for a pregnancy test, I was reminded that even though he doesn't always talk about it, he's thinking about it. And he's so much more hopeful than me. I haven't even allowed myself to THINK about a pregnancy test for this cycle. Truly it hadn't even crossed my mind yet, not even when I thought forward to the next two weeks. His question caught me off guard.

Maybe Hubs is just a more optimistic person. Maybe I've already hardened myself against being too hopeful and being too disappointed. But when he asked about a pregnancy test, he was so sincere, so eager. I was overwhelmed with love and sadness. I want to make him a daddy so badly!

Hunger Games

If you want a good eight to ten hours of good entertainment and freedom from infertile thoughts, you just HAVE to read the Hunger Games. 

Actually, you probably already have, since I think I'm the last person in the US to have finally read it. But I had to share my excitement! 

I'm gonna make Hubs read it IMMEDIATELY so we can go see the movie as soon as humanly possible. Any other fans out there? Is the movie as exciting as the book?!?

Tanked Chart Rising

Welcome, IComLeavWe folks! Check out the sidebar to the right to get the quick and dirty version of my diagnosis and what not, and the Timeline above to see what's happened so far.

The chart mystery continues. After my post a few days about about my tanking temperatures, they came back up to 97.2 and are hanging around there for now.

BUT. Guess what happened. I have been having some super kick-ass cervical mucus for the past couple of days. The kind I haven't seen since NOVEMBER, which is the last time I ovulated. I won't know for sure until I see a temperature spike (OPKs don't work for me - they always say I'm ovulating even when I'm definitely not), but I am extremely encouraged that perhaps my little bum ovaries have decided to join the living this month! Right when I have hopped off the gluten-free bandwagon and started running obscenely long distances. Go figure.

Here's the chart:

Thoughts? What the hell is happening in my body? The good cervical mucus appeared on the day the temp spiked (so three days ago). That was only Day 10, which seems pretty early, but maybe I am confused because my cycles have been so effing long since getting off the pill (like 36 to 65 days each, mostly annovulatory). I had good stuff yesterday too but today not so much.

Gah, I shouldn't be obsessing about this. I've all but given up on TTC before my full marathon on May 20. I have just been assuming that running 40+ miles a week isn't exactly conducive to getting me knocked up and so I've given myself permission to stop worrying about it until the marathon. And it feels really awesome, not beating myself up about infertility every day. But then this daggone chart with my super cervical mucus comes along... hmm. It's been enough to get my hopes up, which is irritating because I know what happens when a seemingly promising cycle ends with Aunt Flo. And it involves me sobbing in the shower. And let's face it, this cycle is 95% likely to end in the same way.

Where do you draw the line between thinking "maybe, just maybe, this one is THE one?" and maintaining some modicum of rationality that will temper the optimism and prepare the psyche for disappointment?

Tanking Chart

I'm on day nine of my cycle and my chart is acting all kinds of crazy. We start the first five days with some very stable temps of 97.6 to 97.8. That's abnormally stable for me. Then I have three days in a row of temperatures that are nosediving into an abyss. This morning was 96.4. What the heck?

Sorry for the blurry picture. My camera battery is dying so I couldn't mess with the settings.

Has anyone seen a chart like this? Do you think it has to do with the estrogen and progesterone pills? Does charting even work when you're on hormone replacement therapy?

Mustache Update

I would just like to state, for the record, that I am both depressed and just a little amused by the fact I now I have a post titled "Mustache Update".

I promised a post about the 'stache back in the comment section of this post (in which I talked about how my brain started working again after finally getting on daily estrogen pills), and I've been trying to get a good picture of it ever since. Which actually is kind of a catch-22, because I also didn't want the 'stache to get so out of control that it was visible in pictures.

Let me back up a bit. To start with, I'm not a very hairy person by nature. I'm a blonde and I've only ever had super fine, super light hair on my arms and upper lip. I know some people are very self-conscious about this "upper lip hair" (which sounds much better than mustache, actaully), but I've always considered myself pretty lucky to have gotten off with such light, nearly invisible hair (and hardly any of it!).

When I was diagnosed with POF, my doctor asked me if I ever had more hair than other kids when I was growing up, a question geared toward determining the cause of my condition, and I had to laugh a little. I'm way LESS hairy than a lot of women. But his question made me start paying close attention to my upper lip. For a few months, it was the same as always. Very light, blonde, hardly anything there.

But then I started to notice that it seemed a little darker. And longer. And I would find myself staring at it in the car every time I could see myself in the rearview mirror (I think the sunlight makes it more visible). And then I started to notice it even when I was inside under low light.

Panic ensued (obviously). As if my POF-induced forehead wrinkle isn't bad enough, now I have to deal with a straight up 'stache? My womanhood has already taken a beating with my inability to conceive. I do NOT need a mustache on top of this.

I bought a bleach kit. It definitely lightened up the situation, but then the little hairs would glimmer in the sunlight. So I took a pair of those tiny eyebrow scissors and I went to town. Definitely better. The picture below is post bleaching and trimming. 

Not perfect, but better.

What I really want to know is what CAUSED this sudden growth spurt in my upper lip hair. I have two theories. One: the lack of estrogen that was causing my brain fog was also causing hair growth. Two: my twice daily supplement of 25 mg. of DHEA is the culprit. Both seem legit, but my guess is that it's probably the DHEA. One of the side effects is facial hair growth in women, so... yeah. That's probably it. Too bad the possible positive effects of DHEA are too good for me to stop taking it. So I guess I'm stuck with trimming and bleaching for a while.

Anyone else have any fun/depressing facial hair or other crazy side effect stories to share? I can't be the only one with a mustache, right?

Finding a Therapist

Well today I tried to take the first step to get a therapist, as described in this post. So I went onto my insurance website to find some in-network options. I immediately got stuck. I know nothing about this whole thing, so I'm hoping some of my new blogger friends can help me out!

First - there were a ton of different options for even which kind of therapist I could select.  There were selections for:

• Licensed Mental Health Counselor 
• Clinical Psychologist
• Psychologist
• Mental Health Clinic
• Psychiatry

Which to select?? 

Then, I selected all five and got a bajillion results. How do you decide who to see? Do I need some kind of referral? 

So I googled "Infertility therapists near [my zip code]" and a ton more came up... I'm overwhelmed already!

So I pose the question to the blog world: How on earth do you find a therapist? Help!

TO RUN! And Run Some More!

I ran SEVENTEEN MILES on Saturday. Yes, that's right. On my dilemma of whether or not to train for a marathon, I have given myself permission to just do it.

Running a marathon has been on my bucket list for a while now. I have said for years that I wanted to cross this off the list before having a baby. Then Ovarian Failure happened and I couldn't very well concentrate on training constantly for a 26.2 mile beating on my body, right? People talk a lot about how over-exercise can hurt your chances for conceiving (although if you check out my earlier post about running, it's actually worse to be under-active and overweight), so I put my "run a marathon" at the bottom of the bucket list and pushed it off for a while. 

Some months went by. Then some more. And then in February I started to really think about this whole marathon thing again. I talked to my RE about it. He cautioned that the medicine he was putting me on would make my ovaries get bigger and he didn't want me running ultra long distances (if the meds worked). But of course, the medicine didn't work one diddly squat bit. I haven't had a period for about 5 weeks with no sign of ovulation or period on the horizon. Plus, I can feel it - my body isn't in the zone right now. It's just NOT WORKING. 

So screw it. I'm following my gut and giving myself a break. I'm taking the next 40 days until the marathon and I'm going to train my butt off for it. Maybe I NEED to just do this thing, cross it off the list, and then move on to work on conceiving and not pushing too hard. Maybe it's one of the barriers I have to getting pregnant - maybe my body is waiting until I've done what I always said I was going to do. 

Until further notice, you can expect me to be looking like this: 

I feel good about the decision (even if it makes me a sweaty beast much of the time). So wish me luck! These next few weeks will have me running long runs from 14 to 20 miles and "mid-week" runs of 9 to 13 miles (on top of a bunch of other littler runs and cross training), so I think I'm gonna need it!

Friends with Babies

A couple of co-workers were in my office today around lunchtime. Both have recently had babies. Both know about my IF. Let's call these gals Kay & Emily. The three of us were chatting when Kay's phone rang. She picked it up - it was her mom, with her eight month old goo-gooing into the phone. Aw, cute. She hangs up... we move on. I thought.

Emily starts crying. She just came back from her 12 week maternity leave a couple of weeks ago. She misses her baby boy at home. She tells me how hard it is to come back to work.

Am I a total biz-natch for wanting to throw a temper tantrum right then and there? I felt panicked, trapped, and uncomfortable. I almost asked her to leave, crying or not crying.

Look, I get that everyone is fighting their own battle. I'm sure Emily is hurting right now. I would want to stay home with my baby too... IF I EVER HAVE ONE. It's very difficult to find compassion in these situations. I CANNOT bring myself to console someone about having to work while her baby is at home.

I know she wasn't thinking about how I might feel about it. But I wish she would save those moments of pregnancy/baby/etc. complaints/breakdowns for someone else. Because it's not doing much for our friendship right now.

Therapy?

I think I might need to see a therapist.

Today my whole (extended) family all went out to see the musical performance of "The Addams Family" at the theater downtown. This is an annual tradition, started a few years ago by my uncle. He buys everyone tickets at Christmas to a play for that Spring, then it's a nice family outing and my aunt treats us all to dinner afterwards. I know - my family rocks.

The play was good - very funny and better than I expected. Then for dinner we went to an Italian place that has the MOST AMAZING red sauce and fantastic pasta and everything there is delicious. And everyone was ordering these amazing dishes and my mouth was watering and everything sounded SO GOOD. And NOTHING was gluten-free. So I ordered a salad. Then the bread came out, piping hot and smelling all gluteny. And I sat there feeling sorry for myself, mind racing about how effing unfair life is, thinking that if I can't have a baby dammit, why can't at least have some delicious pasta? My eyes started to well up and I forced the tears back and tried to think of something else and engage in the conversations happening around me.

I succeeded in forcing the tears back, but then I thought of how much of a mess I am and how it's not "proper" to burst into tears at a nice outing with family at a public restaurant... or... anywhere public, really. To say nothing of the public bar I was at during my conference last week when I totally lost it and sobbed for ten minutes in my friend's shoulder (okay, blame the daquiris, but I should be able to control myself, right?).

So "coping" isn't exactly a virtue of mine. And this is leading me to my point: I think I need a therapist. Although... my image of talking to a therapist involves me bawling for an hour while choking out pieces of my story. Doesn't sound great. But neither does tearing up every time I see a young family or a pregnant woman or a Babies R Us. I'm not sure how to proceed but I feel like the first step is probably admitting I need some help.