I think I might need to see a therapist.
Today my whole (extended) family all went out to see the musical performance of "The Addams Family" at the theater downtown. This is an annual tradition, started a few years ago by my uncle. He buys everyone tickets at Christmas to a play for that Spring, then it's a nice family outing and my aunt treats us all to dinner afterwards. I know - my family rocks.
The play was good - very funny and better than I expected. Then for dinner we went to an Italian place that has the MOST AMAZING red sauce and fantastic pasta and everything there is delicious. And everyone was ordering these amazing dishes and my mouth was watering and everything sounded SO GOOD. And NOTHING was gluten-free. So I ordered a salad. Then the bread came out, piping hot and smelling all gluteny. And I sat there feeling sorry for myself, mind racing about how effing unfair life is, thinking that if I can't have a baby dammit, why can't at least have some delicious pasta? My eyes started to well up and I forced the tears back and tried to think of something else and engage in the conversations happening around me.
I succeeded in forcing the tears back, but then I thought of how much of a mess I am and how it's not "proper" to burst into tears at a nice outing with family at a public restaurant... or... anywhere public, really. To say nothing of the public bar I was at during my conference last week when I totally lost it and sobbed for ten minutes in my friend's shoulder (okay, blame the daquiris, but I should be able to control myself, right?).
So "coping" isn't exactly a virtue of mine. And this is leading me to my point: I think I need a therapist. Although... my image of talking to a therapist involves me bawling for an hour while choking out pieces of my story. Doesn't sound great. But neither does tearing up every time I see a young family or a pregnant woman or a Babies R Us. I'm not sure how to proceed but I feel like the first step is probably admitting I need some help.