I think I might need to see a therapist.
Today my whole (extended) family all went out to see the musical performance of "The Addams Family" at the theater downtown. This is an annual tradition, started a few years ago by my uncle. He buys everyone tickets at Christmas to a play for that Spring, then it's a nice family outing and my aunt treats us all to dinner afterwards. I know - my family rocks.
The play was good - very funny and better than I expected. Then for dinner we went to an Italian place that has the MOST AMAZING red sauce and fantastic pasta and everything there is delicious. And everyone was ordering these amazing dishes and my mouth was watering and everything sounded SO GOOD. And NOTHING was gluten-free. So I ordered a salad. Then the bread came out, piping hot and smelling all gluteny. And I sat there feeling sorry for myself, mind racing about how effing unfair life is, thinking that if I can't have a baby dammit, why can't at least have some delicious pasta? My eyes started to well up and I forced the tears back and tried to think of something else and engage in the conversations happening around me.
I succeeded in forcing the tears back, but then I thought of how much of a mess I am and how it's not "proper" to burst into tears at a nice outing with family at a public restaurant... or... anywhere public, really. To say nothing of the public bar I was at during my conference last week when I totally lost it and sobbed for ten minutes in my friend's shoulder (okay, blame the daquiris, but I should be able to control myself, right?).
So "coping" isn't exactly a virtue of mine. And this is leading me to my point: I think I need a therapist. Although... my image of talking to a therapist involves me bawling for an hour while choking out pieces of my story. Doesn't sound great. But neither does tearing up every time I see a young family or a pregnant woman or a Babies R Us. I'm not sure how to proceed but I feel like the first step is probably admitting I need some help.
You should. About 5 years ago I was depressed, but waited months before going to a therapist. (I saw a social worker, who could refer to a psychiatrist if necessary.) I did cry through our first few meetings, which I found uncomfortable, but you know what? It helped. I only wish I had gone sooner.
ReplyDeletePS I lucked into choosing one that was a good fit on my first try...if you don't, make sure you keep looking.
Thanks for sharing, Sass. I think it's much more common than I thought. Part of me is just afraid of the stigma - and I don't like admitting that I can't handle EVERYTHING on my own.
DeleteI understand. I do. One thing that was helpful for me was reading parts of "A Noonday Deamon." You can have a look at the first chapter here: http://www.noondaydemon.com/Chapter1.pdf.
DeleteFeel free to send me an email if you have any questions about the experience of seeing a therapist, or anything else. I can't say enough how helpful it was for me.
Well if it makes you feel better, I had my review last weeks with my 2 bosses and the one knows about my IF struggle and the hormonal crazy person I am. In the middle of my review I started tearing up because they were talking and I can't remember what but it made me think of IF and bam there were some tears. I tried to stave them off and looked at the boss who knows and she mentioned it and said I saw you tear up but I didn't say anything because I know you are struggling with some other stuff in your life. Hugs to you my dear and hoping that your heart leads you to the answer.
ReplyDeleteOh Megan! I'm so glad your one boss was understanding and didn't make a big deal of it. It's so tough (impossible?) to "turn off the emotions" at work. It's not like we don't think about it when we're there, as much as we try not to!
DeleteDo it!! We started going about 2 years ago as a couple for other reasons and I am not sure if we will ever stop. I have spent many sessions crying the entire time; once I started on my way there! It has been so so helpful. My guy is not a talker, but he is when we meet with our counselor. We find it so helpful
ReplyDeleteUgh! Keeps freezing.
ReplyDeleteI have gained a lot of insight into myself, him and us. Remember you DH is also going through this, so you may want to consider a couple's counselor. I am also going to a resolve peer support group. It meets once a month. Unfortunately the time isn't good for my guy.