I Can See Clearly Now...

Welcome IComLeavWe friends! (If this is your first time here, you can get the skinny on my story on the sidebar to the right).

I had to update you all about my brain fog that I posted about recently but that's actually been an issue for past four months (ish). Basically I was being forgetful, easily distracted, absentminded, and just foggy. I was struggling to keep up at work and time was just sort of slipping by me. I didn't feel like I had two feet on the ground. It culminated a week ago with a really stupid and monumental slip-up at work and I realized something had to change.

So I started Hormone Replacement Therapy six days ago and I now feel amazing. It's like the clouds have parted and the sun is shining. I feel, for the first time in MONTHS like I can hold myself together. I can hold a thought in my mind for longer than 2.7 seconds. I can remember something that I just thought about 5 minutes ago. I can focus on one thing at a time. I am shocked by how much that one little pill (just 1 mg of estrogen a day) can make such a difference. And to think, I resisted getting on HRT!

My newly established brain clarity is most certainly something to celebrate. I wonder if this will also help my emotional stability, because I haven't had a breakdown in like two whole days. I did find myself bawling when I left a comment on this post from The Infertility Voice a couple nights ago, but maybe the pills hadn't fully "kicked in" at that point.

How about you all? Anyone on estrogen pills that have helped or not helped? How about emotion-wise? What should I expect?

A $2 Bill and a Four Leaf Clover

It's time to tell the story of a $2 bill and a four leaf clover and why these two things have invigorated my faith. 

When Hubs and I decided to have a baby, it didn't occur to me to be nervous about my ability to conceive until a couple of months later (no period + hot flashes = not normal?). But eventually I started to worry and I had a very private one-way conversation with God. I'm not a very religious person (I typically make it to church about once a month... sometimes more, sometimes less), but I have been known to have little chats with God on occasion.

The conversation went something like this: 

*********************************************************************************

Jen: Hey God, how's it going?

God: ....

Jen: I'm thinking about this whole having-a-baby thing. And I'm sure everything's FINE, but in case it isn't, could you please give me a heads up? I'd like to know if this whole conception thing is going to be easy or hard.

God: ....

Jen: Okay, so if that works for you, I'm going to go ahead and make up some symbols so you can send me this message without having to part the heavens or something crazy. Let's go with this: if I'm good to go and I'm just being silly for no reason, show me a four leaf clover. That means I've got nothing to worry about. If maybe this won't be as easy as pie and I've got a long road in front me, how about show me a $2 bill? That means there is a reason to freak out. Sound good?

God: ....

Jen: K, great! No rush on that stuff, I'll just keep my eyes open and we'll see how things go! K thanks, bye!

********************************************************************************

I chose those symbols because they were the first two things that popped into my head. I figured that statistically, it was WAY more likely to see a four leaf clover. I hadn't seen a $2 bill in years. YEARS! Like SEVERAL YEARS! And it's not like I see four leaf clovers regularly or anything, but they pop up every so often, especially being an avid outdoor runner who stretches in the grass. And summer was still mostly in front of me. Chances were decent that a four leaf clover was just around the corner (and I looked for it all the time).

So then some time passed. I kept that little chat with God ENTIRELY to myself. Didn't even tell the hubs. July passed. August passed. September happened. And then in late September, the ball dropped. 

My husband's dad had just come in town for one reason or another and had brought over a minivan full of boxes from Hubs' childhood. It was all of his old school papers and yearbooks and toys and baseball cards and stuff like that. Over the next couple of weeks, Hubs spent hours in the basement going through these boxes - weeding out what he wanted to keep and what could be trashed. I thought absolutely nothing of it, until one night when Hubs came upstairs claiming we were rich, proudly waving FIVE $2 bills he had found in one of the boxes. Yes, FIVE.

My heart absolutely sank. I chastised him (unfairly) for showing me those bills and then I explained to him what it meant. He shrugged it off and told me I was being ridiculous. 

I half-believed him. I mean, can God really be bothered with me asking for a fertility sign? But the other half of me started to freak the hell out. Because seriously, what are the odds that Hubs' Dad would bring over those boxes at the right time, and that Hubs would have saved these $2 bills for the past 20 some-odd years and that they would resurface just a few months after I asked God to show me a $2 bill if I had a problem?

THE VERY NEXT DAY (ahh, the plot thickens), I spotted a four leaf clover in my front yard, exactly where I start and end at least 50% of my runs. I plucked it right up and put it inside a heavy book as soon as I got inside. 

THE DAY AFTER THAT, walking to my car from my office, I spotted another four leaf clover. And another. And another. And another. I kid you not, I stumbled across a humongous patch of four leaf clover after four leaf clover. It was actually hard NOT to spot them in this little patch of grass/clover. I even spotted several FIVE leaf clovers, which wasn't part of the deal, but still! 

This isn't even all of them!!!

An elusive five leaf clover

So the question: what did this mean? Was this God's way of telling me that yes, the road ahead will be long. It will not be easy. But there is an end in sight. ?? Was the five leaf clover sighting actually a new message altogether (I heard they might actually be bad luck)? Was it all just some crazy coincidence?  

It wasn't long after that that I decided to see my OBGYN to see what the deal was. And a week after that appointment, I got my diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure. 

Since that diagnosis, my relationship with God has been a bit tumultuous. I have been angry and frustrated and disappointed. I've only been back to church twice. But as angry as I have been with God, I am also thankful for these two little signs. They remind me that I'm not alone. That maybe God has a plan and knows what He's doing with me after all. He's still there for me, even when it feels like I've been completely abandoned.

I know this might all come off as a little crazy, or maybe even hokey. I don't think God arranged it so that these $2 bills found their way to me, or sprouted these four and five leaf clovers just for me (although maybe...?). But I think maybe He nudged me to ask the right question at the right time. That He popped those symbols into my mind because He could see what was coming. Either way, I think it's pretty daggone weird to be just a coincidence. And God has a history of answering these questions for me in the past (remind me sometime to tell the story about "Hero" and "I Got You Babe." Crazy!). 

I currently have another chat in the works, but I'm not going to share it until I hear back from God. I don't want to jinx it. 

So has anything like this ever happened to you? What do you think those five-leaf clovers have to do with anything? Does that throw a wrench in the message? 

HRT

I went to the doctor on Friday to have another ultrasound and to get some blood work done. While I had 3-4 cysts in each ovary, they were all super small and apparently not active follicles. Because my blood work came back with an FSH level of 66 and estradiol of less than 20.  

SUCK. 

So I finally gave in and I'm starting the Hormone Replacement Therapy of 1 mg of estrogen every day. I've just been feeling so yucky lately, with the brain fog and the hot flashes.Today is day three of estrogen and I think it's already helping with the hot flashes. Not yet with the brain fog, but I'm hopeful. 

I'm feeling so discouraged that my numbers were so terrible after all the lifestyle changes and supplements and acupuncture and the gluten-free diet. It's just kind of a reminder that this condition is really and truly out of my control. I might be able to make little nudges forward but for as much crap as I've already been putting myself through, this setback is hitting me hard. 

March Poem from the Hubs

After yesterday's brain fog, I went home and told my husband all about what a terrible day I'd had (after crying the whole way home). He rubbed my back and played with my hair and consoled me and encouraged me and was wonderful.

Then today, he sent me an e-mail from work that contained the sweetest and most thoughtful poem. I am one lucky gal. Just wanted to share.  

It’s the time of year for hoops and March Madness,

But my wife is foggy with a touch of spring sadness.

Yesterday she had a terrible time at work it’s true,

But today is a new day and we’ve got work to do.

My wife is a strong resilient woman who can’t be held down,

She doesn’t even let wrinkles crease her face when she frowns.

Just know that your husband will be there through good times and bad,

He’ll rub your back and write poems if you get sad.

Fortunately for you I love you extra when you’re blue,

But no more saying life is pointless, because that’s not true.

All of your friends and family depend on you like crazy,

And I need you most of all with or without a baby.

I hope you have a wonderful Thursday!

Brain Fog

I'm freaking out! I have a serious, unprecedented case of brain fog lately that has culminated with me completely forgetting about and missing a "meet and greet" lunch at work with the PRESIDENT OF MY COMPANY today.

I feel like a huge idiot. This is not like me at all. I pride myself in being very kick-ass at what I do. I'm on it. I multi-task. I'm quick, efficient, and I produce quality results.

Until the past few months. I don't know if this is physiologically related to POF or if this is all wrapped up in my emotional response, but I have been forgetful. I've been uber distracted. Absent-minded. I've been floating around as if I'm not really present in any given moment. I'm there, but I'm not really THERE. Does that make any sense? It's like several hours will go by, at work or even while doing something fun like having dinner with my family, and afterwards I won't really fully remember the experience. My brain just isn't all there.

And I have had little "spells" of stupidity in the past, but not like this. Not to this extent and not to this duration. I'm a frickin' mess. Something absolutely has to change. I'm so frustrated with my situation and now myself - I've felt like completely losing it today at work. And it doesn't help that someone with a tiny newborn baby has been parked outside my office for the better part of the day.

The only glimmer of hope is that my doctor told me yesterday he is working with a woman in a similar situation as me - high FSH, lower AMH than me - who was in intermittent POF, and he just got to tell her she is pregnant a few days ago! Through the same treatment I'm on now, with the Letrozole and what not. My ultrasound didn't go great though; follicles are still very tiny.

In other news, that period I mentioned a few days ago in this post? Welcome to Day 10 of that delightful little visitor.  Granted, the past three days have just been spotting, but I'm counting it. Ten days of bleeding. Fun.

Please tell me I'm not crazy with this brain fog. Has this happened to anyone else? Am I getting premature Alzheimer's now, too???