Fear, Timing & Positive Thoughts

Time is crawling by at a rate unmatched in slowness by any other time period in my life, ever. I can't believe that just a week ago I didn't know I was pregnant, because that seems like an eternity away. It has altered everything. In five days. Everything is different.

Except for the fear. Fear of not ever getting pregnant has quickly morphed into fear of not staying pregnant. I am obsessively monitoring my symptoms, starting to fret if too many hours go by without the sick, nauseous feeling with which I've become quite familiar with in the past two weeks or if I don't feel as tired as I think I should. 

For a few days, Champ and I were trying to temper our expectations and hope. It's so early. So much can go wrong. We kept saying things like "if this all works out" and "assuming nothing goes wrong," in an effort to soften the blow should a miscarriage be in our future. But I decided last night to throw those phrases out the window. Because I know now that there is no softening of that kind of blow. I would be completely gutted, regardless of whether or not I prepared myself for the worst. So positive thinking, here we come! 

I am still concerned about the timing. And the beta number. I inserted my chart into Fertility Friend (which I've never used before) and it confirmed that Ovulation was on October 4. Which would have put me at 5 weeks and 1 day last Friday, and I measured 5 weeks, 6 days. Five days ahead? I've heard of measuring ahead later on in a pregnancy but 5 days ahead this early? Thoughts? Could an early implantation affect that? And the Beta - 34,000 at 4 weeks, 6 days (or 5 weeks 3 days, depending on your perspective) seems really high. But there was definitely one heartbeat. I feel like I know nothing about anything of this. I'm thinking I'm glad to be on the upper end of these numbers rather than the other way around, but I just want to be normal. 

Friday can't get here soon enough. I'm anxious to get some numbers for comparison sake. One snapshot is not as helpful as knowing the direction we're headed!

Ultrasound Results

Okay, getting right down to it. I'm measuring 5 weeks, 6 days, which means that a) I conceived a good 3 1/2  weeks after the IUI or b) something is wrong.

We did see the yolk sac and, thank God, the heartbeat! Doc said he wanted the heart rate to be above 100 and it was 106, which seemed low to me. He said it was on the low side, but it's still early. I've been googling and read that the baby's heart rate starts out as the same as the mother's and my heart rate is always really low (b/c I am a runner, I think), so hopefully that explains it... My progesterone came back at 10.7 and he wanted to see it at 20, so I'm now taking crinone in the morning and night.

It was amazing to see the heartbeat. I was SO nervous, especially because I woke up this morning and my boobs felt 1000 times better. I still feel very nauseous and queasy, but I'm worried now that some of that is due to me being nervous and worried. I want these symptoms to stick around!!

I'm really freaked out about the timing. The doctor said I probably conceived 3 1/2 weeks ago (which would have been right around when I may have ovulated. I'm looking at my chart now and I would have ovulated on October 3 or 4th (CD 12 or 13)- I was in Mexico on the 3rd and didn't get home until SUPER late on the 4th.  Ladies, please! Help me with this chart!

Do you see why I would guess I had not ovulated? Those temps are all over the place! I have a good shift from the 3rd to the 4th, but it goes right back down... I was in Mexico from Saturday the 29th through late Thursday night (the 4th). Is it possible I got pregnant from sex early on the 5th, a day after ovulation??

I know this is all over the place, so here's a timeline:

9/22: Start a light, easy period (from progesterone withdrawal or actual shedding of lining, I don't know)
9/26: Period is over
9/28: Sex with Champ
9/29: Mexico
9/30: Mexico
10/1: Mexico
10/2: Mexico
10/3: Mexico
10/4: Temperature shift up 8/10 of a degree. Still in Mexico, get home at like midnight. Champ is asleep, but I now remember that we did have quick sex in the middle of the night. Was that THE night?
10/24: Take a pregnancy test, get BFP, Beta at 34,000
10/26: Heart rate at 106 bpm, measuring 5 weeks 6 days

Oh my God. I'm praying so hard that it happened this way. Otherwise, we're talking about a 9 week old babe measuring way WAAAAY behind and that would not be good.

I go back in one week to see how things are moving forward. AGH, I would feel so much better if this had happened with the IUI and I'd already be done with these crucial weeks 6-8. I mean, I'm so thankful to have seen the heart rate today, but about 10x more freaked out about this timing because I really don't understand how it could have happened. Does anyone have a better handle on this than I do? Help!

Being Pregnant: How Did This Happen?

Thanks everyone for all the support for my total shocker of a BFP yesterday! It appears that the IUI on September 4 (a full seven weeks ago!) actually worked. Tomorrow at the ultrasound I’ll find out if things are going well – we should be able to see a heartbeat and measure to see how far along I am, but the doctor said that if we go by the IUI, I am nine weeks pregnant. I’m guessing I’ll measure somewhere in the eight week mark because there has to be a reason I got a negative pregnancy test two weeks after the IUI –whether it was a late ovulation or implantation or what. Right?

The period I got on 9/22 can be explained by the fact that I stopped taking progesterone pills when I got my BFN, so the bleeding was withdrawal bleeding from that… I remember having one fleeting thought that it was a pretty light and easy period for having what seemed to be like a pretty good, thick lining. But honestly, I didn’t think twice about it. When I peed on a stick yesterday morning, I knew it would be negative. The only reason I even thought to do it is that I was complaining to a friend about the nausea and how completely and utterly exhausted I’ve been and she said “if I didn’t know any better, it sounds like you’re pregnant!” We laughed it off, both knowing that it wasn’t possible. But a positive test!  WHAT?!? I still can't believe it. 

I feel TERRIBLE now for all the crap I’ve been putting this little fetus through. Because five weeks ago, negative pregnancy test in hand, I proceeded to live on the edge until yesterday. I’ve been boozing pretty hard, pretty regularly. I went to Mexico and drank the water (and beer) with reckless abandon. I’ve been drinking tons of caffeine, eating blue cheese and cream cheese and lunch meat and everything you’re not allowed to have while pregnant. I’ve been regularly taking DHEA, Evening Primrose Oil, Estrogen tablets, etc. I just got my hair highlighted on Tuesday (it still smells like chemicals).  I freaken’ skydived, for crying out loud! All… while… pregnant… holy moly I am hoping and praying that I didn’t do any permanent damage. No mom-of-the-year awards over here. Good lord.

So I go in for an ultrasound tomorrow morning. A BFP is obviously good news, especially with a beta of 34,000, but the true test will be in the sac tomorrow. I’m obviously nervous and freaking out. But my “symptoms” are holding strong. Boobs still sore and enlarged. Nausea actually getting worse. I'm still super tired. I’m assuming these are all good signs? 

I’ll try to post as soon as I can tomorrow and let you all know how it goes. My appointment is at 9 am. I would say I’m not sure how I’ll possibly get any sleep, but luckily I’m exhausted and will probably fall asleep by 9:30 tonight. GAH!

Beta Results

Ya'll, I'm pregnant.

Beta: 34,000

I'm still in shock that this is happening. I go in for an ultrasound Friday morning!

WHAT?!?!?!?

I haven't ovulated this cycle. 

I had a period and a negative pregnancy test after my IUI on SEPTEMBER 4!  

But that period was pretty light considering my lining at the time.

My boobs have been sore for WEEKS (menopause? Maybe not?).

I've been the most tired I've ever been in my life. 

I've had crazy nausea the past week that feels better when I eat...? 

So this morning, I thought I'd pee on a stick. Even though how would it even be possible?

But Holy Fuck.

WHAT!?!?!?  Am I .... pregnant....? 

That vertical line showed up RIGHT away. the horizontal one looks pretty faint in different lighting- is that okay? I started shaking and crying immediately and ran in to wake up Champ, who didn't even know I was going to take a test.

But I PEED ON A STICK EXACTLY TWO WEEKS AFTER MY IUI and I got a BFN, no trace of a line. WHAT????  Seriously, is this even possible??? 

Slipping

Things haven't been going well. I don't know what it is lately, but I'm starting to slip back into depression mode. I haven't wanted to see anyone or do anything. Today I spent like 8 hours watching Netflix in my pajamas. I want to sleep all. the. time. When my mind isn't being distracted or occupied, infertile dark thoughts are racing through my head. I've started crying spontaneously again. The dumbest thing will set me off. A song, a commercial, a weird look from Champ... I'm a mess.

He heard me crying in the shower the other day and tried to talk to me about it. I just blew him off, even though as soon as I insisted I didn't want to talk about it, I realized that I actually really really wanted to talk about it. But what else is there to say? What can I say that I haven't said a thousand times in the past year? It still sucks that we can't have kids. I'm still pissed about it. I still feel guilty. On top of that, I don't want to burden him any more than I have to. I'm the biggest f*cking let down of a wife. Not only are my f*cking ovaries broken, but I can't possibly be pleasant to be around lately. And if I can't give him children, I'm trying to at least be worth that sacrifice for him. So I find myself pretending again. Hiding tears, putting on a happy face, being up for anything.

I know. It doesn't sound very healthy. It's not.

And as we are approaching my one year anniversary of being diagnosed, I keep thinking of where I was a year ago: so stupidly naive, still with a couple weeks of ignorance left. A year ago last week was my sister's wedding. A year ago this weekend was the last party I went to without infertility weighing me down.

November 6, 2011.

What a day. What a fucking day.

Don't worry about me too much. I'll be okay. And I go back to my therapist tomorrow, so at least there's that.

Plan for November

I owe you all an update! I've been quiet lately on the blog and I'm not sure if we can attribute that to laziness, post-vacation blues, or having approximately nothing positive to talk about.

This is cycle day 26 (I think) and no sign of ovulation. There have, however, been several signs of ovarian failure, including night sweats (fun!) and four consecutive weeks of hugely swollen and sore boobs. Not to mention, you know, the whole failure to ovulate thing.

The good news? I have a plan. It involves taking my regularly scheduled progesterone on November 1st, getting a fake period, then trying another cycle of stims. My RE is not yet aware of these plans, but I think he'll go for it.

I have more faith in this plan than any other. After nearly a year of being diagnosed, and a year and a half of TTC, I have learned that my body only likes to ovulate after fake periods. Because of this, I think my previous two rounds with stims, first with Letrozole and then with Menopur, were doomed to fail. Those cycles did not follow fake periods.

Also, I'm up for a new job at a local company (I think I'm ready to get out of higher ed). I have a second interview next week and I'm really excited about it, despite some nerves about switching insurance. Wish me luck!

Modern Family

Did anyone else catch Modern Family last night?

**Spoiler Alert**

Phil goes in for a vasectomy because he and Claire are done having kids and can't wait to be empty nesters who can travel and do exotic things and see the world (much like my recent trip to Mexico).They keep saying "five more years!" Of course, by the end of the episode, they realize that seeing the world is overrated and that true happiness comes from their kids. They decide they don't want Phil to get a vasectomy.

Also, Gloria, who is in her mid-forties, is accidentally pregnant.

Not a great show for an infertile these days. But the good news is I was more annoyed than sad.

Adventure week

Hi friends! I'm back!

I've actually been back for several days now, but have been on a vacation high and haven't wanted to jump back into my infertility reality.

Mexico. was. awesome. Rather than go into excruciating detail about how awesome, I will include some bulleted highlights for you to read through quickly:

• Hanging with my two best gals. Ladies, if you want to forget that infertility exists, take a girls trip to Mexico. Trust me on this one. It helps that my two girls are both single and babies are the furthest thing from their mind. 
• Taking one day off the resort to: drive ATVs to a nature preserve where we pet monkeys and explored an underground cave (complete with a cave lake and BATS!), then drive ATVs to a zipline in the middle of the jungle, where we ziplined into a 12 foot natural pool, then drive ATVs back to the ocean to snorkel, where we saw at least a dozen sea turtles and three or four sting rays. 
• Participating in all the planned entertainment. From beach volleyball to cha-cha lessons, to water aerobics to Guacomole lessons to Staff vs. Guests Beer Drinking Contest to Spanish class to everything in between, the tres amigas were up for it!
• Taking advantage of the free services at the resort - like renting kayaks, going out on the catamaran, renting bikes to go to the marina to see a baby dolphin, and taking my first ever spin class (omg.)
• Drinking and eating. All free. For example, a Tequila taste test event:

The worst part:

• Knowing we couldn't stay there forever. Seriously. So fun. 

But we came home. Then Champ surprised me with a Mystery Trip the day after I returned to celebrate our three year anniversary! We went to a state park in Ohio and stayed in a fantastic lodge. And we geo-cached for the first time. We sucked at it. 

Then, capping off the most adventurous week of my life to date, I WENT SKYDIVING ON MONDAY! There is nothing much like plunging out of an airplane at 9,000 feet and falling at 170 ft per second. Champ and I loved it. 

Take THAT, infertility. Bam.