Except for the fear. Fear of not ever getting pregnant has quickly morphed into fear of not staying pregnant. I am obsessively monitoring my symptoms, starting to fret if too many hours go by without the sick, nauseous feeling with which I've become quite familiar with in the past two weeks or if I don't feel as tired as I think I should.
For a few days, Champ and I were trying to temper our expectations and hope. It's so early. So much can go wrong. We kept saying things like "if this all works out" and "assuming nothing goes wrong," in an effort to soften the blow should a miscarriage be in our future. But I decided last night to throw those phrases out the window. Because I know now that there is no softening of that kind of blow. I would be completely gutted, regardless of whether or not I prepared myself for the worst. So positive thinking, here we come!
I am still concerned about the timing. And the beta number. I inserted my chart into Fertility Friend (which I've never used before) and it confirmed that Ovulation was on October 4. Which would have put me at 5 weeks and 1 day last Friday, and I measured 5 weeks, 6 days. Five days ahead? I've heard of measuring ahead later on in a pregnancy but 5 days ahead this early? Thoughts? Could an early implantation affect that? And the Beta - 34,000 at 4 weeks, 6 days (or 5 weeks 3 days, depending on your perspective) seems really high. But there was definitely one heartbeat. I feel like I know nothing about anything of this. I'm thinking I'm glad to be on the upper end of these numbers rather than the other way around, but I just want to be normal.
Friday can't get here soon enough. I'm anxious to get some numbers for comparison sake. One snapshot is not as helpful as knowing the direction we're headed!