Things haven't been going well. I don't know what it is lately, but I'm starting to slip back into depression mode. I haven't wanted to see anyone or do anything. Today I spent like 8 hours watching Netflix in my pajamas. I want to sleep all. the. time. When my mind isn't being distracted or occupied, infertile dark thoughts are racing through my head. I've started crying spontaneously again. The dumbest thing will set me off. A song, a commercial, a weird look from Champ... I'm a mess.
He heard me crying in the shower the other day and tried to talk to me about it. I just blew him off, even though as soon as I insisted I didn't want to talk about it, I realized that I actually really really wanted to talk about it. But what else is there to say? What can I say that I haven't said a thousand times in the past year? It still sucks that we can't have kids. I'm still pissed about it. I still feel guilty. On top of that, I don't want to burden him any more than I have to. I'm the biggest f*cking let down of a wife. Not only are my f*cking ovaries broken, but I can't possibly be pleasant to be around lately. And if I can't give him children, I'm trying to at least be worth that sacrifice for him. So I find myself pretending again. Hiding tears, putting on a happy face, being up for anything.
I know. It doesn't sound very healthy. It's not.
And as we are approaching my one year anniversary of being diagnosed, I keep thinking of where I was a year ago: so stupidly naive, still with a couple weeks of ignorance left. A year ago last week was my sister's wedding. A year ago this weekend was the last party I went to without infertility weighing me down.
November 6, 2011.
What a day. What a fucking day.
Don't worry about me too much. I'll be okay. And I go back to my therapist tomorrow, so at least there's that.
I just had the same anniversary! Sucks! Even a year ago as bad as it sucked, I never imagined still being here! Nothing has changed. I too don't get out of my jam jams. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteJen, these are words that could have come from very own mouth. That being said, I know that there is nothing I can say (or write) to help you through this. It will get better, you already know that. It always does. The depression/hope cycle is relentless. I just hope you find some peace. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThanks Jen. Sometimes it does help to remember that it WILL get better, which I know to be true because somehow it always does. You're right.
DeleteThose are words I could've written, too. My best advice is if you're depressed, let yourself really feel it and wait to naturally feel better... And you will.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree with Stork more, you have to feel the pain, if you push it away it just comes back stronger. I am glad you are seeing your therapist tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteReally glad you've got someone to talk to, and really sorry you're going through this. So normal and expected given everything we've all been through, but really sucks nonetheless. I hope you let Champ take care of you too, you desrve that.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, Jen. I was in the same place (depression-wise) last winter. Just yesterday my husband and I were talking about how things are going for us and he told me that the hardest part about infertility is the toll it took on me...how it changed my mood and made me hopeless. He said that was very hard on him because all he wanted to do was make things better and fix the situation. I bet Champ feels the same way - he wants a happy, healthy wife and I am sure that he doesn't view you as a failure. You need to have these feelings right now. I hope that therapy helps. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteOh Jen I am sorry you're feeling this way. I know how it feels to feel so hopeless, to feel like you're holding back your husband. But know this, that vow he took for better or worse, this is the worse and it will pass. Sure he just wants to be able to do stuff to 'fix' it, Dax is the same and I am the same, always feeling bad to wanting to talk and talk; finally i have been able to say to him that the best thing he can do to help is just to listen and hug me, and when I think I am talking too much or too often to tell me it's ok. Maybe giving champ these pointers will help him feel like he is helping, and help you feel like it's ok to talk when you need to?
ReplyDeleteYou have to keep talking though sweetheart because take it from the girl who repressed the post-diagnosis grief for 10 years, it really doesn't help! Let it out. We are all here.
I'm so sorry, Jen. I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of hugs.
Depression is difficult. That is an understatement. I hope that today is a better day. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are not feeling well and I hope things will get better soon. IF is an energy-s$cking, mood-swinging b$tch. Fingers crossed you may kick it in the curves very soon. Reaching out is the best thing you can do. This online resource and the IF blogroll was seriously one of my greatest saviors while in the TTC vs IF game. This is a good place to be (((HUGS)))
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Depression is scary, that I know. It's hard to pull yourself out. I know it is taking everything out of you. But I do agree that you should let yourself feel the pain, really feel it. It's the only way to really heal.
ReplyDeleteDepression is easy to understand for us. I think you're doing the best that you can, being comfortable in pj's and watching netflix is one of the best things we can do in order to get our minds off of how awful things can be.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
Sorry things are not going well! (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteAwww girl, this sounds like an epically shitty time. Am sorry for you. I felt like I was pulling on a mask for a while there and frankly, until I can do my next IVF cycle in January, I'm just dialling things in a lot of the time, too. Esp with work.
ReplyDeleteI hope the visit with the therapist helps.
Don't worry, you're not alone. I constantly feel like a crappy wife because I cant seem to get pregnant and then I get depressed and I know I'm not fun to be around. I can't give you any tips or anything, but I hope you can get to a place where you feel better.
ReplyDeleteOh hon, I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad. Please, please talk to your hubby about it. That's part of what he signed up for in this whole marriage thing - the good times and the bad. If there's one thing I've learned from having one failed marriage, it's to never ever let the communication break down between you and your spouse. Your hubby wants to be there for you. Now's your chance to let him. XO
ReplyDeleteSorry that you are feeling so down lately. Sometimes all of the feelings that you try to hold back for so long, just come bubbling up to the surface. Anniversaries, like the one that you having coming up, don't really help make things better, either. I hope that things start brightening up for you and am glad that you are still seeing a therapist. Therapy has definitely helped me get through some tough times. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I have totally been there. I fought depression many times while going through IF. I sought therapy and it helped me tremendously! I came to acceptance that I many never have children. It was a long hard road. Three years, almost to the day I through out the birth control, I gave birth to TWINS! I know not ever story has a happy ending, but MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!!!! Hang in there! God has a plan for you and it is ALWAYS for good!
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