Wednesday, February 8, 2012

What if?

The Hubs' ex-girlfriend is pregnant.

We found out a while ago but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Obviously. I don't really know this chick. She dated Hubs in college for two years then broke up with him in the winter of our senior year, just in time for me to meet and fall in love with him. Their relationship wasn't great and I have no doubt that Hubs is happy things turned out the way they did.


We haven't spoken about this and I know he would assure me that it's not the case, but doesn't there have to be some part of him that wonders "what if"? If he would have ended up with this ex-girlfriend of his, he'd be on his way to being a father. He wouldn't be consoling his depressed wife every week about her bum ovaries. He'd be painting a nursery and putting together a crib. He'd be reading daddy-to-be books and making guesses on the gender of his first child.

And even if he didn't end up with ex-girlfriend, there has to be a part of him that is disappointed in me. Not in the way that you're disappointed when someone didn't do the dishes or who let you down in some way, but in the small voice in the back of your head that you try to bury. "What if?" What if he had found someone just as great as me, with just as good chemistry and connection, who loved him just as much, but who didn't have premature ovarian failure? Why did it have to be me? His sperm analysis was fantastic. The guy has super swimmers. Why doesn't he get to be a dad?

Because of me. Because my body isn't doing what a woman's body is designed to do.

I am trying desperately to keep my head above water dealing with my own disappointment in myself. When I start to think about how I am letting Hubs down too, it's crushing.

The thing is, he would never admit to ever second guessing his choice to be with me. Ever. But I can't imagine it's not there.


  1. What a terrible thing to feel like your husband might be thinking... but KNOW he is NOT thinking that at all. Not a grain in his soul, not if he loves you. I promise. I have been there feeling that maybe somewhere he has to be feeling this, right? The answer is no.

    Hugs and love, and you ignore your crappy-pants doctor (in fact, get a new one. Now.), and have faith that God has final say in how you become a mom... and I am a FIRM believer that "5-10% chance" is all you need, and that the odds might be even higher than that - particularly for those of us going through life transforming changes to help nudge it along and lead a healthier, better life in preparation for making a baby and being a mom.

    Read "Making Babies". It's vital. Buy it. Now.

    1. Update: Got the book - it came from Amazon today! I'm diving in now!

  2. Thanks for the encouraging words and the book link. I think I'll buy it right now! And I don't plan on going back to that jerkface doctor again, ever.

    I'm with you - I have to believe that these little (and big) things I'm doing to make myself healthier and my body a more hospitable place for baby will help, at least a little. And bonus points for my clothes fitting better, too!

  3. Hey there, I have just discovered your blog through ICLW (pre commenting week of course!) and have spent the afternoon, when I should be working, reading it! I commented on another of your later posts but just wanted to add my two cents here. I totally get this though my situation is the opposite in that it's my ex who, since departing from me, has gone on to have a baby with his new wife at the drop of a hat (grr!) and still, even though I don't want him or his baby, that hurts me because it pretty much affirmed all those bad feelings about myself I had when I was with him: that I was holding him back from a natural road to fatherhood, that without me he would be 'normal', that he would be able to have a family like the rest of his uber-fertile family!
    I fight those feelings daily with my dear Hubs, hoping he doesn't think I am holding him back, but I know that he would never give up being with me for having a baby with his ex, just as I would never go back to mine given the chance to have his baby. Your Hubs loves you and when you love someone you sometimes have to go down roads you never thought you would have to in order to support them.
    Don't give up hope :)

    1. Thanks so much for stopping by! I haven't yet had any exes who have babies, but I can imagine it'll be tough. It's such a weird place to be - it's not like I want my exes or my hubs' ex to be unhappy or want to trade places or anything like that, but maybe it's just the reminder of the life others can have so quickly and easily while it's such a struggle for us!