Thursday, February 2, 2012

Roller Coaster Ride

Since November 6, the day I found out about my Premature Ovarian Failure (yuck, I hate even typing those words), my emotions have been riding a bit of a roller coaster. Some days I think I can handle this stuff, that I was given this obstacle because I can handle it. Other days... yeah notsomuch. But. The crying spells have gotten better. I usually only have a good, quality breakdown every other week or so. And I can get through a work day without people asking me if everything is okay. So all-in-all, an improvement over where I started (read: eight hours of sobbing at a time).

What I'm finding lately is that I am pretending a lot. I'm putting on a positive face and acting like I'm fine. I'm going through the proverbial motions. And I have to be honest - it. is. exhausting. I get home from a long day of my very people-focused job that requires me to be "on" a LOT, and then go home to Hubs, where I try to pretend everything's fine so he doesn't worry about me, and by 8:30 or 9 pm I am ready for BED. 

Being a reasonable person with a good education, I am aware that this is not exactly healthy behavior. So a few days ago, I decided to let it all out to my husband and clue him in on what is going on in my head. And he was shocked that I have been doing so much pretending. Fair enough. I know he's not a mind reader. But I find it so nuts that I can hide things from the person I'm closest to that easily. I mean, in any given moment, my head is a jumbled mess of freaking out and worrying and wondering and grieving and as long as I go about my business in a way that seems normal... no one knows that I am a mess.

In case you were wondering, talking to Hubs helped about the pretending. He was, as he always is, very supportive and understanding. He's starting to "get it" that he can't fix this with a "well have you tried this?" strategy. But for me, it helps to know that someone else at least knows that I'm a mess inside, even when I'm pretending not to be. 

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