Tuesday, November 6, 2012

One Year Later

It's November 6, 2012.

I had originally envisioned this day's post to be a bleak, tear-streaked stream of consciousness in which I spilled my guts about how the past year changed everything but I have nothing to show for it. How infertility nearly broke me and I feel like a failure, a disappointment, and a disaster in general.  I had considered, a couple months ago, of taking today off work to get a massage or go see a movie and eat ice cream, because I knew that I'd be a blubbering mess, reliving the moments leading up to and immediately following the news in the OBGYN's office a year ago. I was going to end the post on a note of hope, because really, I have come a long, looooong way from crying every single day, considering darker thoughts than I'd like to admit, and isolating myself from friends and family.

Today, on the one year anniversary of my Premature Ovarian Failure diagnosis, the post I'm actually writing is very different from the one I planned. I didn't even dare imagine a couple months ago that I'd be pregnant while I wrote this post.

So I thought I'd take a minute to go ahead and remember how infertility challenged me and changed me this year, because I have a feeling this year is one for the books. I'm going to remember it like I won't remember a lot of other years.

The first few months after my diagnosis on November 6, 2011 are hazy. I cried a lot. Sobbed. A lot. Threw temper tantrums. Screamed into pillows. Had hot flashes. Spent a lot of money on meds that didn't work a lick.

In March, I got on Hormone Replacement Therapy, which resolved my hot flash and brain fog issues. I finally felt like I could live with this condition. I trained for my first ever full marathon - and ran it! But I was still depressed, sad and angry.

By late June, I made an appointment with a therapist, and whaddya know, it actually helped. After a few weeks, I started to see that my condition was out of my control and I might as well try to have some fun if I can't get pregnant. I decided to wait at least three years post-diagnosis to try IVF with a donor and in the meantime, hell, we were going to live it up.

In August, we went to San Diego and tried marijuana for the first time. I booked a trip to Mexico with my girlfriends. I went out with friends, drank a lot, ran a half marathon, and went skydiving.

And then when I least expected it, after a year and a half of trying, during a cycle with NO eggwhite cervical mucous and a wonky ass chart, it happened. My BFP.

I'm so grateful to be in 5-10% of women with my condition who get pregnant. I feel like I owe the universe. Or God. Or something. Why me? I know there's not an answer to that, but I can't help but feel completely overwhelmed with it all.

I will say I think about all of you still in the trenches all the time. I am rooting for you and I won't forget you!


  1. Jen, I'm so happy that this anniversary was so different from anything else you had imagined. You kicked those statistics in the butt! Way to go, lady!

    I will always keep your miracle story in my thoughts when ever I have a down moment.

    I know you are not out of the woods yet, but I'm already looking forward to see that first bump picture of yours :)

  2. Loved this, and I'm so happy that you are in a much, much better place than you imagined yourself being in. (gives me hope).

    PS - so what your saying is... pot helps with getting pregnant? Finally a plan I can get on board with. (No... shh.. Don't correct me).

  3. I LOVE this post!
    Stork: You are hilarious!

  4. I am so happy that this post is so different than the one you envisioned. I am happy though that you did go out and have some fun though too and lived it up!

  5. I'm so happy that THIS is the post you're writing on the anniversary of your diagnosis. I think you give hope to a lot of women who are still in the trenches. :)

  6. I definitely think the living vicariously, (like a fertile ;)!) and smoking weed and drinking helped!!
    So happy this anniversary could pass with you expecting no less!

  7. Wow! Just came across your blog and congratulations! I want to live it up too. Just the other day I told DH that we should try marijuana, haha. Hoping for a healthy, happy pregnancy. This does give me hope.