Thursday, March 7, 2013

25 Weeks

I keep meaning to write, getting sidetracked, and forgetting to write. Another part of me is experiencing the proverbial "survivor's guilt" although I think it's much less "guilty" than just being kind of reluctant talk about my pregnancy to many people who are still trying to get pregnant.

I had lunch last weekend with an old friend of mine who I hadn't seen for about two years, right before Champ and I started trying to conceive. She was my roommate in grad school and a very dear friend, but we've lost touch over the years and so I hadn't told her about my recent battle with infertility. She knew I'm pregnant (and she is pregnant with her second, due a couple weeks before me) but not how hard it was to get here. I found myself telling her the whole story - of trying to conceive for a few months, the hot flashes, the lack of periods, getting diagnosed, and the downward spiral that followed.

It's the first time since being pregnant that I was able to tell my whole story with a presumed happy ending. Most people who I'm close enough to tell about my experiences with IF already know about my IF, and have for a long time.  It was very strange, to tell this story that I'm used to ending with a sad shrug or an explanation of all the things we still need to try. This time, after the "I'm so sorry you went through that" and what not, I pat my belly and said "well we have a miracle baby on our hands!"

I tell this story because I always want to remember that yes, this little girl in utero is a miracle. But also to realize how much IF affected me over the past two years. It changed me. It was torture, certainly, but I know I will be a better parent, a more sensitive friend, and a stronger person because of it. I would never say I'm glad I went through it - no, I still wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But it would have been a heckuva lot easier to go through if I knew the outcome as I was going through it. How much time I spent in complete despair, how many buckets of tears I cried, how many hours spent googling, how many unwarranted outbursts... Of course, there was no way to know I'd be pregnant the next year. I could have just as easily never gotten pregnant. Ever. In fact, that would have been way, waaaaaaaay more likely.

I don't really have a point. Other than to say IF sucked. And I'll never forget that.

Okay. Bump pic time. I'll take a lesson from Belle at Scrambled eggs and give you a chance to jump ship before bump pics, so here's a pic first of my cat:

We're re-doing the floors in our Master Bedroom and Future Nursery, hence the bed in the dining room.
And now bump pics - a comparison of me at about 14 weeks and 24 weeks:

I've got another 15 weeks of growing? Oh boy. Also, my boobs? Huge.

Anyway. Long story short: I'm still alive. Baby Girl has been healthy and kicking like crazy. Heartburn started last week. I had no idea you could get heartburn in your back. You totally can. Miss you guys.


  1. You look fab! So glad you got to reconnect with your friend, and that your story has a happy ending!

  2. Thank you for your update, I miss you posts :)
    You look gorgeous my dear!

  3. Look at that adorable bump! You look fantastic! And is that a pregnancy pillow I see kitty learning to love, too?

    I'm glad you got to share your whole story with someone. I find it almost therapeutic every time I get to do this. It almost feels like it is healing my wounds a little bit more every time I acknowledge them.

  4. you look adorable! glad for the update and to hear you are doing well!

  5. Beautiful bump! And the kitty is adorable, too. :)

  6. I was just thinking about you today! So glad to hear everything is going well. You look great!

  7. Looking good, girl! So glad to hear all is well:) You're getting there. I struggled with all of the things you talked about too... All I can say is it does get easier. Pretty soon all that will be on your mind is your precious little miracle. :) Take care and keep us posted!

  8. Adorable bump!!!! and beautiful cat. Best wishes to you, Jen. I'm seriously happy to have "found" you :)

  9. Hey good to see you again!! You look adorable!

  10. Heartburn in your BACK?! Ugh, man, yet another thing to add to the list of bizarre and totally unexpected pregnancy symptoms. It's funny about your telling a friend about IF -- I've found myself doing the same thing, being SO much more willing to open up about my struggles now that I can end it with "but we seem to be pregnant now so fingers crossed!" I also tend to bring it up when people get overly thrilled and gooey about the pregnancy announcement, because I want them to know that, actually, I'm not jumping up and down just yet because there is a lot of reason to still be nervous and here is why...

  11. I've been thinking a lot about the fact that nearly all IF bloggers eventually get pregnant...just not all. But during It, you have no idea whether or not you'll be the one who truly doesn't. That's the hard part.

    Congrats on your pregnancy!

  12. Looking good girl! You should never have survivor guilt. Enjoy your happiness and miracle. It's going to happen for those it happens for and for others - they'll figure out a way to cope, or another avenue of bringing a child into their life. A good friend of mine (not with POI but with years of IF) just adopted a little girl and she is thrilled.

    I'm POI, and I have a feeling it might still happen for me with my own egg. I was cycling pretty regularly on my estrogen patch but had to quit it in Feb because it caused a uterine polyp to grow. Ughh!

    My RE is going to give this protocol a shot later this Spring - which would be great if it works.

    I guess the thing about POI is that even if you are lucky enough to have a little one, you still have to deal with HRT post baby.

    Curious - Have you had to take any extra precautions or HRT during your pregnancy?

    1. Wenday, I took progesterone for the first trimester (after I found out I was pregnant, so about 6 weeks - 12 weeks), but that's it. I had a bit of spotting around 14 weeks, which my OBGYN said increased my chance of miscarriage a tiny bit, but by that time the chances were very small. Since then, I've been treated as completely normal!

      Best of luck with the POI - if there is hope for me, there certainly is for you!